Jokes

old but still good??????????

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks as if the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.
 
It is clean and funny.



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first
time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this
religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'












If you DON'T forward this to at least 1 person you have no sense of
humor !!!
 
So I was bollock naked, masturbating, looking out the bedroom window at my neighbour's 17yo daughter sunbathing.

My wife came in and just stared at me for ages. She just kept looking at me as I pulled myself off.

Do you think she's a pervert?
Click to expand...

the derek and clive variation on that (although it ws his dad not a girl) is ....classic
__________________
 
Need a Raise?







Employee : Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss : Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee : Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss : Yes.

Employee : I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss : A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee : I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss : Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee : Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss : Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee : Oh ....... the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
 
ADOPT A TERRORIST





A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian

government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents

(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System

facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.

She received back the following reply:





National Defense Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Canada





Dear Concerned Citizen,



Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of

treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by

Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan

Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in

Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.



Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions

were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to

learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are

creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,

to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or

L.A.R.K. for short.



In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided

to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for

transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto

next Monday.



Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be

cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in

your letter of complaint!



It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of

care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended

in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent,

we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his

'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural

differences.


We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home

schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in

hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a

pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your

next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or

relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but

we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a

wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so

you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion)

this might offend him.


Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or

your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman

form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his

sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known

to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the

new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka

over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his

culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.



Thanks again for your concern.

We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the

proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.



Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,



Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defense
 
MOVIE QUIZ MEN ONLY
Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favourite. It really works! This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don’t ask me how!

Pick a number from 1 to 9

Multiply it by 3

Add 3

Multiply by 3 again

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list below

Mine was "Star Wars" exactly right! Wow! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it really works!

Now look up your number in the.
.
.
.
1. Gone with the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with a Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Carribean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Lord of the Rings
18. Toy Story

It is amazing isn’t it?
but I could just be kidding????
 
A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and goes
into mammy and daddys bedroom only catch mammy on top
of daddy bouncing up and down.

The next day the boy asks his mammy
"why were you sitting up on daddy last night jumping up and down ?"

The mammy paused and said well you know the way daddy has a big belly I was trying to flatten it down.

The boy then say's well thats a waste of time mammy.
Why she asks?

Because when you go to bingo Mary from next door will come in and blow it back up again.
 
Angela Merkel recently arrived at Greece's Athens International Airport in light of the recent economic crisis. At customs she was asked her name, her response 'Merkel.' Her nationality? To which she replied 'German'. Occupation? 'No just a couple of days'.
 
A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London .
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered,
"In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so f.... off and wait for a camel!!"
 
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite
as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised,
Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger
kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is
back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good
once.
You are truly a great lover, Roger..'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was
here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS.. Have I sent this to you already?
 
Two blokes get on the Belfast to Dublin train, and find themselves sat next to each other.

One strikes up a conversation.

"What takes you to Dublin?"

"I....I..I....I'm going to a jo.....jo......jo....job interview"

"Oh aye? Whereabouts like?"

"A....a....a.......a.....RTE"

"Ah right....what?.....as a cameraman or something?"

"N.....n....n....no....as a p.....p....p....presenter"

"Aye!? Eh, do you think you'll get the job??"

"N...n....n...n...naw....they'll g....g....g....give it to a Catholic, eh?"
 
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Moral Test....Read to the end before making a judgement...Cheers

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



*** THE SITUATION: ***

You are in London .

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe
flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.


You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


*** THE TEST: ***

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....

You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza,
the one-eyed, hook handed ******* who hates non-Muslims and wants the
UK to become an Islamic state!!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer
Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's
most despised, evil and powerful men!




*** NOW THE QUESTION AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER ***

Would you select high contrast colour film or,


would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
 
ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE














John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person




The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria




and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".




Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"




or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross"




since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.




Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance."




The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
in 1588,




when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards."




They don't have any other levels.




This is the reason they have been used on the front line




of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday




that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."




The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."




The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's
white flag factory,




effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"




to "Elaborate Military Posturing."




Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"




to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."




They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;




the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.




These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms




so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish
navy

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be right."




Two more escalation levels remain:




"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!"




and "The barbie is cancelled."




So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation
level.





A final thought -
" Greece is collapsing,
the Iranians are getting aggressive,
and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC".
 
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A bloke goes into Debenhams and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says: 'Hello!
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says: 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies: 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says: 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly: 'No, I'm your son's school teacher.' !!!!!
 
I have to admit...this is brilliant...and never heard it put this way...so succinct and to the point...plain and simple!!!


The Muslims are not happy!

They're not happy in Gaza .
They're not happy in Egypt .
They're not happy in Libya .
They're not happy in Morocco .
They're not happy in Iran .
They're not happy in Iraq .
They're not happy in Yemen .
They're not happy in Afghanistan .
They're not happy in Pakistan .
They're not happy in Syria .
They're not happy in Lebanon .
They're not happy in Bahrain


So, where are they happy?

They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in England .
They're happy in France .
They're happy in Italy .
They're happy in Germany .
They're happy in Sweden .
They're happy in the USA .

They're happy in Canada .
They're happy in Norway .



They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.

And who do they blame?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM

WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY !!

Excuse me, but how dumb can you get?
 
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure." I replied. "If you let me choose."
"OK." She grinned, "But how
do you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent" I smiled, "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"OK", she giggled. "You can choose for me." So I turned to the barman and said,
"Diet coke mate."
 
I bumped into Professor Brian Cox looking a bit down, so I asked him, "What's the matter?"

Longest reply ever...
 
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis
enlargers ....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting "paedo" and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a
little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup
kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of
us have got homes to go to!'



Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at
the table with a big fat bird who doesn't,
Gobble anymore.


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your
balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when
I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat *******, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black
and brown with a small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of
the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for
starters!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm
a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's
been living off a dead Beatle for the last

Thirty years.
 
Two older women were having lunch together, And discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.


Marie said '' I'm getting a boob-job."

Christine replied "Oh, that's nothing new, the latest thing is to have
your arsehole bleached and I'm having mine done next week.

"Oh! Dear!" said Marie. "I just can't picture your husband as a
blonde!"
 
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