Jokes

British humour: absolutely politically incorrect!

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It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.

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Two Muslims have crashed a speed boat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

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Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug dealers.

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Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English..Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
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They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham,Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London.Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
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Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctoraway." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!
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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
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During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul wont it start?
 
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[h=3]10 Commandments ofMarriage[/h]Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word yousay, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaksand the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the manlistens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of onething: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when theytry to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something yousaid. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a goodcook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and aconsiderate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.

Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
 
Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden
 
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

  • Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
  • Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
  • Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
  • Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
  • Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
  • Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
  • Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
  • War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
  • Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
  • It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
  • Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
  • Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
  • Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
  • Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  • Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
And, CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin intoan envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.”
"Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their ownersgo blind?"

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many ofyou?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuumcleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I wasstanding there I noticed 4 grave
diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walkingabout with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our localpet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper offthe web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check herbalance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. Ithought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that,2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnatedbut must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to comeback as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shopto get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stoppedbreathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead andrealised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when shesuddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. Ithought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn'tfeel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair ofsexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six peoplein the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following somekind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when hereturns he notices his pick has been stolen.. The bear is angry and reports thetheft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, Iforgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picknicked."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly mygirlfriend yet.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the headwith a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swamwith sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came asno surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
 
> Several days ago, as I left a meeting, I desperately gave myself a
> personal search. I was looking for my keys.
>
> They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room
> revealed nothing.
>
> Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
> headed for the car park.
>
> My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the
> ignition.
>
> My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His
> theory is that the car will be stolen.
>
> As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His
> theory was right. The car park was empty.
>
> I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
> that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen
>
> Then I made the most difficult call of all.
>
> "Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "MyLove" in times
> like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
>
> There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected,
> but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"
>
> Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and
> get me."
>
> He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
> stolen your bloody car."
>
> This is what they call, " the Golden Years!"
 
Ina crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tightleather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, shebecame aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to theheight of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quicksmile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only todiscover she still couldn't. So, a
little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt alittle more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to herchagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a littlemore and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large builderwho was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She wentballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dareyou touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The builder smiled anddrawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after youunzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

 
GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."

***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."

---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!) ---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, it Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)

*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"


Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . . stick around awhile .. . itwill!

 
2 gays in a lift one says to the other "How's your bum?"

"Shut up!!!!!" the other angrily replied

"So is mines" said the first one "Must be the cold"
------------------

Lady calls her husband

"Darling I have a problem with the car"

Husband "What's the problem honey?

Lady "There's water coming in"

Husband: "Where are you honey?

Lady: I'm in the river honey
________________________________

Minnie Mouse and Micky Mouse...getting a divorce

Judge.: I am not sure saying your wife has buck teeth is grounds for divorce Mr. Mouse

Mickey: I never said that Your Honour I said she was f*cking Goofy
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Huge muscular guy punches his small friend right in the face

His friend asks "Did you mean to do that or was it a joke?"

"I meant it" said the big guy

"Just as well for you" Said the small guy "I hate anyone cracking jokes at my expense"
 
Two 90 year old men, Mike and John, have been friends all oftheir lives.

When it's clear that John is dying, Mike visits him everyday. One day Mike says, "John, we both loved bowls all our lives, and weplayed bowls on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour,when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's bowlsthere."

John looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you'vebeen my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do thisfavour for you.

Shortly after that, John passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened froma sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out tohim,
"Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who isit?"

"Mike--it's me, John."

"You're not John. John just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, John," insists thevoice."

"John! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies John. "I have somereally good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," John says," is that there'sbowls in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us arehere, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's alwayssummer time and it never rains. And best of all, we can play bowls all we want,and we never get tired.

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond mywildest dreams! So what's the bad news?



"You're in the team for this Saturday."
 
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[TD="width: 100%, bgcolor: transparent"] The Stranded Irishman:


One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer & closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks

& mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!


She walked up to the stunned Irishman & said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached & unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit & pulled out a fresh package of cigars & a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, & took a long drag.

"Faith & begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there & removed a flask & handed it to him.

He opened the flask & took a long drink.

"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man & asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

"Jesus, Mary & Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"





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Thought you might want to consider getting on board early, and buy stock In this company.

A German Engineer just started a business in Afghanistan. He's making landmines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.:lol:
 
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The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?', Trev demanded.

'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

Trev immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, woman, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! You've no knickers on. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, woman, here's 20 Euro. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it..

'For crying out loud, woman! Where are yer nickers?' asks Tam.

She too explains, 'You don't give me enough money to be able to afford any.'

Tam reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, for the sake of decency, woman, here's a comb.... Tidy yourself up a bit.'
 
A hotel guest calls thefront desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says,"Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my roomimmediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's goingto jump out the window."
The desk clerk says,"I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies,"Listen you idiot. The window won't open…. That's a maintenancematter."

 
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"


The man says,"Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says,"I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."


The man replies,"Listen you idiot. The window won't open…. That's a maintenance matter."
 
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> A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
> "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm."What sort
> of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.
> So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf,"Can I
> thee her eyeth?"
> So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe
> eyeth.", says the dwarf,
> "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him
> the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf
> says.
> By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the
> dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says,Now...can I
> see her twot?"
> With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and
> shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there
> for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
> The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwazethat...
> Can I see her wun awound?"

well it is horse related .............:lol:
 
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Researchers for the Massachusetts turnpike authority found over 200 dead crows near Greater Boston recently and there was concern that they had died from Avian flu.
A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that various colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws.
By analysing the paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA than hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentage of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause:
When Crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout Crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".
 
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an air canada plane is on its wayto toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first classsection and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she willhave to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm stayingright here."

the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
 bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, andwon't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain thatbecause she only paid for economy she will have toleave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to torontoand i'm staying right here."

the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the policewaiting when they land to arrest this blonde womanwho won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handlethis. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says,"oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seatin economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what hesaid to make her move without any fuss.

"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto".
 
Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogatefather to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should behere soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door babyphotographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Goodmorning, Ma'am', my name is Alby he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expectingyou.'

'Have you really?' said Alby the photographer. 'Well, that's good.Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one onthe couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room flooris fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out forHarry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. Butif we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'msure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love tobe in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
Alby the photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out aportfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you considertheir mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so, Alby explained, I finally had to take her tothe park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and fivedeep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide withamazement.

'Yes', Alby the photographer replied. 'And for more than threehours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardlyconcentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, whenthe squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed onyour, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up mytripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. Again Alby explained, I need to use a tripod torest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.
 
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