Jokes

That's 25 Hail Marys walking barefoot over hot coals, Maurice, or a cheque made out to me for £1000, to expunge your naughty thoughts.

I must try to remember that one to tell the old girl tomorrow, DG - it should cheer her up! :)
 
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One day Willie and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her a hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house
again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said,

"I think so... Provided those lazy wa**ers at Jewsons deliver the fu**ing bricks"
 
An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.

She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed
husband.

The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides

up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest
Albert
was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue

suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put

the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with
Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through
her
tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get
that
beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size

was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she
was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,"
the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads :ph34r:
 
Apologies if it's already been done ....

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

> > After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
> >
> > The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the
> > pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."
> >
> > So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
> >
> > At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
> >
> > He proceeded to talk up a storm.
> >
> > Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:
> >
> > 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
> >
> > 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
> >
> > 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
> >
> > 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
> >
> > 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
> >
> > 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
> >
> > 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
> > Daddy, Junior and the spook.
> >
> > 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
> >
> > 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
> > donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
> >
> > 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
> >
> > 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take
> > this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
> >
> > 12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
> >
> > 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
> > for the grub, Yeah God.
> >
> > 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's
> > not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
Really, 221? Do you happen to have the phone number of a hunky masseur with a GSOH, so I can REALLY tone up? :)
 
A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.

MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"

Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."

MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"

Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."

Much applause.

MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"

Simon: "Tonight Matthew I'm going to be ....




(wait for it....)

























Simon and half uncle!!
 
theyareontome.gif
 
Another old joke from Popbitch

A man gets up one morning to find his wife
already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night
when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away
thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock..."
 
There is a little boy called Johnny and he loves tractors, absolutely
mad for them, has tractor wallpaper, posters of tractors, toy
tractors, this kid is tractor crayzeee!

Anyway on his birthday his dad arranges for him to go on a tractor
ride, the kid can't believe it, what a dream come true. So he runs
down the stairs, skips outside and sees a BIG Shiney tractor but as
he's running towards the tractor it falls on him (don't ask me how it
just
does) anyway the kid is right face down in the dirt and falls well out
of love with tractors he rips up all his tractor posters, peels off
his tractor wallpaper and throws his toys away.

Years later the adolescent Johnny has a new fixation, women! He has
all manner of calendars with scantily clad models and euro beauties
along with posters of Girls Aloud and a copy of razzle with the pages
glued together. His giving father mindful of his sons new fixation
sends him to a nightclub for his eighteenth birthday.

Johnny the adolescent upon reaching the club sees a beautiful girl
across the dancefloor who seems to be crying. Seeing that women in a
vulnerable state are often likely to put out Johnny decides to
approach her. He wonders over and says:

'Why are you crying' to which she replies 'I'm not crying it's the
smoke from the ghastly un-necessary smoke machine getting in my
eyes'.

Johnny tells her not to worry and takes a massive breath sucking all
the smoke into his lungs thus clearing the room of tear inducing
vapour. The girl is clearly amazed and says to Johnny:

How did you do that?

to which he replies.....
.....
.....
....
....
'I'm an ex-tractor fan'
 
I'm sorry, you're not through to the next round of "Comic Idol", but the theatre does have a couple of cleaning vacancies... :(
 
Old sea farer went for a walk to the docks to relive his past, sees a girl and asks if she wanted business as he did in the old days.
She agreed and they went to a little boarding house and he started to to make love to her and after a while to reassure himself he asked the girl how he was performing.
Girl said " well Jack you are doing about 3 Knots "
The old salt said what do you mean 3 knots ?

Girl replied " well Jack, you are Knot hard, Knot in and you're knot getting your money back "

:P
 
This bloke goes in shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?
Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was
American?
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then,why did you
ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase."
 
What's the difference between spam and venison?























One's dead cheap...

























(...and the other's dead deer!)
 
Mr. Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey.
It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said.
"I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts.

:D
 
THE BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly
and close to death

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!! "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that...Luis races towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 metres,

Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree............

Ees.....



Ees.....



Ees..... are you ready for this, shocking!! ........

Ees.....



Ees.....



Ees.....



Ees, a Ham Bush"
 
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