Lee Chater
At the Start
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Messages
- 366
Barrymore has just signed up for a new sitcom on BBC1
"Only Pools and Corpses"
"Only Pools and Corpses"
Jokes
- Thread starter Merlin the Magician
- Start date
cricketfan
At the Start
First joke since the re-opening..................
Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly
gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times
have you cheated on your wife?"
The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books,
discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to
drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a
Ford Pinto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a
bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto
driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a
long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two
query him as to "why the sad face?".
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife,
she was on a skateboard!"
Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly
gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times
have you cheated on your wife?"
The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books,
discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to
drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a
Ford Pinto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a
bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto
driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a
long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two
query him as to "why the sad face?".
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife,
she was on a skateboard!"
qzy
At the Start
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2005
- Messages
- 805
The young lad had me haunted to get him a tv for his room.
After many months I gave in.
One day he came down after watching tv and asked "Whats love juice?"
After getting over the shock I decided it was time to sit him down and explain a few facts of life to him.
Finishing 3 hours later, I decided to ask him what he was watching on the box and he replied;
"Wimbledon"!
After many months I gave in.
One day he came down after watching tv and asked "Whats love juice?"
After getting over the shock I decided it was time to sit him down and explain a few facts of life to him.
Finishing 3 hours later, I decided to ask him what he was watching on the box and he replied;
"Wimbledon"!
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Beans mean ????????????? 
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, and apologising for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised. There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, and apologising for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised. There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!
betsmate
At the Start
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2004
- Messages
- 5,752
I dont know if anyones done this one.
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself in the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped an arm around her shoulder, winked at her and added I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her abroad and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they bonked furiously. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "I get to go to America, and in return he's screwing me".
" He certainly is," the Captain replied, "This is the Isle of Man ferry"!
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself in the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped an arm around her shoulder, winked at her and added I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her abroad and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they bonked furiously. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "I get to go to America, and in return he's screwing me".
" He certainly is," the Captain replied, "This is the Isle of Man ferry"!
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Old couple in church during service. She whispers to him 'I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?'.
He replies 'Put a battery in your hearing aid' :laughing:
He replies 'Put a battery in your hearing aid' :laughing:
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
qzy
At the Start
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2005
- Messages
- 805
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wa*k eva last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wa*k eva last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Manure...A True Story
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a Golf term.
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a Golf term.
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
I did post this in the ENGLAND V WALES thread but think it further deserves a spot on this section too.......................
Did you hear about this elderly pair of portly American spinsters?
They had reached Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
and decided to call into a Wimpey for a hot dog and coffee.
Up came the waitress and said "bora da, can I take your order please" too which the yanks said " yes we'll have two of your largest hot dogs,(they are yanks after all) with onions please and two cream coffees, and excuse us asking, but obviously YOU live around here! Can you please spell it out very slowly for us, so we can write it down, where are we now?"
The waitress said "certainly, not a problem, I'll order your meal first" she then returned to the table are you ready" to which the yanks replied "yes" so she then speaking very slowly began to spell where they were......
"W.......................I....................M....................P............... :laughing:
p.s.This Welsh town actually exists and its name translates as "The church of St. Mary in the hollow of white hazel trees near the rapid whirlpool by St. Tysilio's of the red cave".
if you put .com behind it, it is also the longest unhyphenated domain name too...
You just don't know the ammount of education you get on here? Its a font of knowledge
.................
Did you hear about this elderly pair of portly American spinsters?
They had reached Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
and decided to call into a Wimpey for a hot dog and coffee.
Up came the waitress and said "bora da, can I take your order please" too which the yanks said " yes we'll have two of your largest hot dogs,(they are yanks after all) with onions please and two cream coffees, and excuse us asking, but obviously YOU live around here! Can you please spell it out very slowly for us, so we can write it down, where are we now?"
The waitress said "certainly, not a problem, I'll order your meal first" she then returned to the table are you ready" to which the yanks replied "yes" so she then speaking very slowly began to spell where they were......
"W.......................I....................M....................P............... :laughing:
p.s.This Welsh town actually exists and its name translates as "The church of St. Mary in the hollow of white hazel trees near the rapid whirlpool by St. Tysilio's of the red cave".
if you put .com behind it, it is also the longest unhyphenated domain name too...
You just don't know the ammount of education you get on here? Its a font of knowledge
.................
qzy
At the Start
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2005
- Messages
- 805
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.
"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to
start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon
as he gets back."
"Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol'
boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's
so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes
now!"
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,
"Audi, partners!"
"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to
start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon
as he gets back."
"Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol'
boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's
so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes
now!"
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,
"Audi, partners!"
Grasshopper
Senior Jockey
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2006
- Messages
- 16,050
A bloke goes to the nurse for a check-up.
He takes off his clothes, and hops up onto the bed. After a few minutes, the nurse lets out a sigh and shakes her head.
The bloke asks "What's wrong?"
The nurse says "I think you'll have to stop wanking"
The bloke says "Why???"
The nurse replies "Because I'm trying to give you an examination".
He takes off his clothes, and hops up onto the bed. After a few minutes, the nurse lets out a sigh and shakes her head.
The bloke asks "What's wrong?"
The nurse says "I think you'll have to stop wanking"
The bloke says "Why???"
The nurse replies "Because I'm trying to give you an examination".
cricketfan
At the Start
A young Scotsman named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead."
Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already."
Gordon said, "OK then, well, just unload the donkey anyway."
The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."
To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!"
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!"
Gordon grew up, and eventually became The Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.
The moral of this story is if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead."
Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already."
Gordon said, "OK then, well, just unload the donkey anyway."
The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."
To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!"
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!"
Gordon grew up, and eventually became The Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.
The moral of this story is if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!
trudij
Senior Jockey
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke
when it starts to rain.One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.
when it starts to rain.One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.
qzy
At the Start
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2005
- Messages
- 805
The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute" said the Pope, "you can't do that; you'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church." "This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer; I'll be financially secure for life." So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million quid" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming!"
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million quid" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming!"
Desert Orchid
Senior Jockey
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2005
- Messages
- 24,881
:clap: At last... a funny joke! :laughing: :laughing:
qzy
At the Start
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2005
- Messages
- 805
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
A young wife strips naked in front of her husband
'What turns you on most about me?' she says 'my sexy body or my pretty face'
'Actually its your sense of humour' he replies............... :laughing:
'What turns you on most about me?' she says 'my sexy body or my pretty face'
'Actually its your sense of humour' he replies............... :laughing:
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Bride in bed with new husband on wedding night says
'Darling I want to confess to being a hooker'. Husband replies
'Ok your past is your past, but I do find it a bit errotic - tell me about it'
'Well' she says 'my name was Brian and I played for St. Helens!'
'Darling I want to confess to being a hooker'. Husband replies
'Ok your past is your past, but I do find it a bit errotic - tell me about it'
'Well' she says 'my name was Brian and I played for St. Helens!'
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Whats the difference between PMT and BSC?
One attacks the cows brain and sends it mad the other is a agricultural problem. :laughing:
One attacks the cows brain and sends it mad the other is a agricultural problem.
:laughing:So are you saying farmers are thick and premenstrual, Merlin ?Originally posted by Merlin the Magician@Sep 19 2007, 09:41 PM
Whats the difference between PMT and BSC?
One attacks the cows brain and sends it mad the other is a agricultural problem.
I know quite a few with BScs - me for one :brows:
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Sorry Jules and others it was a typo I meant to say BSE.......I think I may have the start of it myself.................dropping a bollock such as this?
BSE, that is bovine spongiform encephalopathy, also known in Britain as the mad cow disease, is a progressive, lethal central nervous system disease of cattle. It is characterized by the appearance in neurons in the brain of affected cattle of vacuoles, clear holes, that give the brain the appearance of a sponge -- this is where the term spongiform came from.
BSE, that is bovine spongiform encephalopathy, also known in Britain as the mad cow disease, is a progressive, lethal central nervous system disease of cattle. It is characterized by the appearance in neurons in the brain of affected cattle of vacuoles, clear holes, that give the brain the appearance of a sponge -- this is where the term spongiform came from.