Jokes

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.'

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Postman wants to buy Mum!'
 
CHECK FOR ALZHEIMER'S

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it.

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down...
 
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God hade explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Give me strength ..."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was
back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said crossly, "What is it now?"

And Adam said …











… "What's a headache?"
 
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.


The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
 
[SIZE=+1]An amusing literacy-themed interlude for your holiday weekend ...[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1]Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning [/SIZE][SIZE=+1]submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]The winners are:[/SIZE]


[SIZE=+1]1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1]2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] gained.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1]3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=+1]5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=+1]7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1]8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1]9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] are run over by a steamroller.[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=+1]11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] proctologists.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=+1]14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] Yiddishisms.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1]15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] stuck there.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1]16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] worn by Jewish men.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1]The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] definition. Here are this year's winners:[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] future.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] purpose of getting laid.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] and the person who doesn't get it.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] running late.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] credit.)[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] day consuming only things that are good for you.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] smarter when they come at you rapidly.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=+1] grub in the fruit you're eating.[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] And the pick of the literature:[/SIZE]​


[SIZE=+1] 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.*[/SIZE]​
 
England players, protect yourself from Emile Heskey by disguising yourself as a goal.
 
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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next
door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little ******!
 
Three soccer players, Landon Donovan, Lionel Messi and David Beckham, are invited to heaven watch the World Cup final with God.

God decides who will sit next to him by asking them the same question.

God asks Donovan first: "What do you believe?" Donovan says, "I believe in hard work and staying true to family, teammates and friends." God is impressed by the American and offers him a seat to the left.

God then turns to Messi and asks "What do you believe?" Messi says, "I believe loyalty, discipline, courage and honour are the fundamentals of life." God is impressed and offers the Argentinian a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Beckham: "What do you believe?"

Beckham says, "I believe you're in my seat."
 
I love them both! GOT to remember little Eric's remark for the next time our blasted laptop goes Pete Tong at Lingfield - we've been fixing it by pronging one of its contact bits underneath with a straightened paperclip, would you believe? Next time it's not even paperclippable, we'll send it back with a recommendation that the IT consultant checks for an ID10T error!
 
Re Dessie's wonderful input above, will I get any points for inoculatte for an increased need for caffeine, Sir?
 
and now the inevitable England ones

What's the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella got to the ball....

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way into the dressing room.
 
Durrrty boy! Years ago, in a less sniggering age, you used to read in certain types of novels, "he ejaculated" instead of "he said loudly". You wouldn't get that now (although personally I thought it was a bit overwrought, anyway), any more than you could write "he left home in a gay mood" without having your reader smirking.
 
I recall when my mate and I were at uni, we were telling his mother a story about something that had happened (something that had frightened us but can't remember what). His mother, totally calmly, asked, "And did you let out an ejaculation?"

We looked at each other, stifling our sniggers, and he said, "No, mum. I wouldn't say it was as exciting as that."

She just said, "Oh," in a totally deadpan manner.
 
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]In the jungle, the South African jungle, 3 lions sleep tonight ....
....coz in the morning, the early morning,
they have to catch a flight.

No win away, no win away, no win away, no win away![/FONT]
 
krizon said:
Durrrty boy! Years ago, in a less sniggering age, you used to read in certain types of novels, "he ejaculated" instead of "he said loudly". You wouldn't get that now (although personally I thought it was a bit overwrought, anyway), any more than you could write "he left home in a gay mood" without having your reader smirking.
Click to expand...

Like Gaye Kindersley's speech referring to his name:

"I was born in an age when "gay" meant "happy", when "clap" meant "applause" and only generals had aides."

Dessie, you bad boy. The only hundreds you will get for that will be lines, young man! (Very witty, though!)
 
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Apologies if this has already been posted:

Two men are out just fishing and drinking beer.

Very quietly, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says: "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me for two months."

Charles sips his beer thoughtfully then says: "You'd better think it over Bob. Women like that are hard to find."
 
There were once two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL ).

It was getting dark and they were still far away from their convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to **** us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

What were you thinking?
 
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The light was on red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?

"You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
 
Heard today that there are to be 500 new jobs created in Louth next week. Apparently they're building a bridge to get over the Leinster final.
 
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