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Jokes

ha you haven't lived if you haven't been in the 'danger zone'
🤣


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I saved a young lady's life today, she was preparing to throw herself off a cliff.

I said, "Any chance of a quicky before you jump?
She called me a dirty old pervert and told me to get lost
I said "OK I'll just wait for you at the bottom."

She changed her mind!
 
A woman is asleep on the tube when the train stops abruptly. She is started from her sleep and pitches across the carriage. In order to steady herself she falls into a man's lap and grabs the first thing to hand. Looking extremely embarrassed and worried that she might have missed her stop she glances around the carriage and says " Oh my god, is this Cockfosters ? " " No, pleased to meet you ma'am. Miller's the name ".
 
A young boy goes to his grandad and asked "where does Poo come from Grandad"
So grandad thought it was better to tell the truth and said "when you have your dinner the food goes into your stomach and your stomach takes all the good out of it and sends all the bad bits into your bottom so when you go to the toilet that's when Poo comes out"
The young boy looked at him puzzled and said "well what about Tigger.
 
Sorry to dampen the mood, but I saw this sad story I'd not heard before on X and thought I'd share it to give us all pause for thought: "My friend Simon was in a car crash with his uncle. Sadly, his uncle died. Simon was saved from the wreckage, but lost both his legs. However, the surgeon was able, using state-of-the-art technology, to surgically attach his uncle's legs to his body and this operation proved successful. Now that Simon has fully recovered, he has decided to pursue his love of music. He will perform his first gig in the local pub under his new stage name of 'Simon and 'Halfuncle'."
 
Lol Ian... That reminded of a trip to the charity shop I made last week. My lad is 19 now and grown or wore out plenty of trainers and shoes. He said he didn't need anymore so instead of throwing them away I took them to the charity shop. The woman behind the counter had a good look at them, gave me a couple back which were not in the best condition. I started walking off and she shouted out "excuse me, this one doesn't come as a pair" I turned around and said back "You might get a one legged customer pop in"
 
Pope Chaumi I is in the Midlands area handing out miracles.

A chap who says his name is Danny gets on stage and asks the Pope: “Can you help me with my hearing?”

The Pope says “yes," puts his hands on Danny's ears, and prays, and then removes his hands and asks: “How is your hearing now?”

Danny replies: “I don’t know - it’s not until next Wednesday.”
 

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