A man was arrested in the small hours of this morning following a disturbance in the town. According to one eye witness, Oliver Brady of Ballybay, Clones the man was first seen outside a bookmaker's office brandishing a betting docket and a microphone.
"He started letting whoops out of him, like, and saying stuff. Like 'Them's the boys who're goin' to pay' and 'I'll be having me own Securicor van, fitted out with an en suite and all'. The poor eejit, you'd think it was me the way he was going on".
Some time later the man was seen harassing female passers-by. According to Francie Brady of Railway Terrace, Clones he was waving the docket in their faces and saying "Work it out, baby, see how much I've won" and then cartwheeling about the place.
"It might have ended there", according to Brady, "because nobody was taking a blind bit of notice of him until he started shouting "Game On", like the Italian eejit in the Ladbrokes ad and prancing around like a horse. Before I knew it all his clothes were off and he was slapping his backside with a rolled up newspaper and shouting "Up Monaghan".
According to another witness, Mr Barry McGuigan, also of Clones, "It might have ended there. But don't ask me how, next thing he had a feather duster protruding from his you know where and singing Shake A Tail Feather Baby. I could well understand the choice of song but I could not forgive his dreadful singing, way worse than anything my father could ever inflict, so my only choice was to call the guards."
"It might have ended there", said Garda Patrick Brady, "but when asked for an explanation the man kept insisting to us that he 'done it for Ireland, at the League of Nations'. We felt obliged to arrest the man at this point. His contact with reality is obviously very tenuous, possibly because of some substance he might have taken. We are keeping him under close observation but he is very agitated and demanding to be released in order to attend the League of Nations again today and tomorrow".
