The Forum Doctor

Originally posted by an capall@Oct 8 2006, 03:24 PM
Dear Dr. Tom,

I am feeling faint and disoriented. I notice that there is a smattering of enamel based paint on both my hands. Is this the cause?

AC
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AC, It sounds to me like you have a bunion. Pierce it with a large darning needle.
 
Originally posted by Gearoid@Oct 8 2006, 04:47 PM
Dear Tom of honesty. I spent a week chasing Greek schoolgirls and have nothing but a bloodied stump in my crouch area. What is this the symptons of?

Yours

Redge Stumpy
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Dear Redge, by the sound of it you have had a cheap sex change from Bargainbuster Sex Changes while drunk. You may be able to have the operation reversed by said firm although, even in that event, I would think the schoolgirls will be safe.
 
Originally posted by Phil Waters@Oct 8 2006, 05:40 PM
My left-hand pinky finger is numb and has been for the past 4 weeks. Also, my elbow is painful at times.

Diagnosis please.
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Phil, this will clear up if you stop putting your fist through doors for one month. This will probably mean giving up punting for the same period.
 
Originally posted by Shadow Leader@Oct 8 2006, 06:19 PM
I feel the overwhelming urge to go out and stab anyone with a Gibraltarian accent having had enough of their laziness, rudeness and contrariness....care to diagnose that one?!
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Dear Dom, you are suffering from blood sport withdrawel symptoms. You should burn all your goth gear and purchase a nice wee pink frock and a ribbon for your hair. This will lead to more petite ways.
 
Dear Doctor Tom,

I seem to have wedged a rather sharp darning needle up my hole, and it refuses to budge no matter how energetically I manoeuvre the darn thing.
It is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and people in work are beginning to wonder why I remain standing during meetings.

What am I to do?

AC
 
Thanks Grey, I might do that. It was a Scottish quack who misled me.
I think his name is Dr. MacRame or something.
 
Message from The Moderators:

Please stop cluttering up this thread with woolly advice, which will only result in you being stitched up by the Scots Quack even more.
 
Originally posted by an capall@Oct 9 2006, 12:04 PM
Dear Doctor Tom,

I seem to have wedged a rather sharp darning needle up my hole, and it refuses to budge no matter how energetically I manoeuvre the darn thing.
It is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and people in work are beginning to wonder why I remain standing during meetings.

What am I to do?

AC
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In hospitals we come accross this sort of thing on a regular basis AC. Is the "darning needle" vibrating perchance?
 
Doctor T, I think I'm coming down with junior doctor syndrome. I'm in the middle of doing a 104 hour week in work and don't know what to do. Please help.
 
Dave,

This requires advice from a personal trainer, not a Doctor.

On returning home each evening, spend at least 2 more hours engaging in a mundane, yet not unimportant task. I would suggest settling your tax affairs or doing out household budgets.

This will bring your work load up to 118 hours a week. Do this for three weeks and a return to the 104 hours will feel like a holiday.

Kind Regards
 
Mel,

It appears there is every chance of adding another 35.5 hours onto the end of the week should I so desire. Somehow, I couldn't see me managing that.
 
Originally posted by Dave G@Oct 10 2006, 12:31 PM
Doctor T, I think I'm coming down with junior doctor syndrome. I'm in the middle of doing a 104 hour week in work and don't know what to do. Please help.
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Dave, you should shag a nurse. Note - make sure it is an NHS nurse as the BUPA ones are all virgins.
 
Dear Doctor Honest,

I suffer from the common affliction, Welsh. I've had this condition for as long as I can remember and no physician has ever been able to help. It flares up at times and can be quite embarassing, especially when I'm trying to mix in civilised public areas.

Can you help?
 
Originally posted by MarkEE@Oct 13 2006, 01:19 PM
Dear Doctor Honest,

I suffer from the common affliction, Welsh. I've had this condition for as long as I can remember and no physician has ever been able to help. It flares up at times and can be quite embarassing, especially when I'm trying to mix in civilised public areas.

Can you help?
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Alas Markee, there is no cure for this. Take heart though from the fact that up here we have tortured souls who believe themselves to be Englishmen trapped in Scotsmen's bodies (they are known locally as huns). No matter how bad off you are there's always someone worse off.
 
Dear Dr Honest

Some mad old Scotsman told me that my whole profession should be replaced with lots of lie detector machines . I take the view that he is evidently unhinged and should be sectioned at once - is it my duty to report him to the local mental health services for immediate restraint in a straitjacket and a large dose of anti-psychotic medication ?
 
Dear Dr Honest Tom

I have been reading through some of your responses on this thread, and I am still not 100% convinced you have passed the necessary exams to be able to give out advice on a public forum such as this.

I am desperate for your help but need to know you are going to give me an 100% accurate diagnosis. :blink:

How do I know your advice will be based on your medical excellence and experience, and not just some "cock and bull" story to make me do something ridiculous just that you and your mates could all laugh at my ailments down the pub. :shy:
 
Originally posted by Ardross@Oct 13 2006, 09:57 PM
Dear Dr Honest

Some mad old Scotsman told me that my whole profession should be replaced with lots of lie detector machines . I take the view that he is evidently unhinged and should be sectioned at once - is it my duty to report him to the local mental health services for immediate restraint in a straitjacket and a large dose of anti-psychotic medication ?
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Dear Ardross, while mental health is outwith my expertise this Scottish fellow sounds perfectly sane to me. Might I ask why you signed your letter 'BEEP BEEP BEEP'?
 
Originally posted by Kathy@Oct 13 2006, 10:06 PM
Dear Dr Honest Tom

I have been reading through some of your responses on this thread, and I am still not 100% convinced you have passed the necessary exams to be able to give out advice on a public forum such as this.

I am desperate for your help but need to know you are going to give me an 100% accurate diagnosis. :blink:

How do I know your advice will be based on your medical excellence and experience, and not just some "cock and bull" story to make me do something ridiculous just that you and your mates could all laugh at my ailments down the pub. :shy:
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Dear Kathy, Surely the quality of the replies given above speak for themself. Never, in the history of the internet, has there been a healthier forum.

Yours most sincerely

Doctor H. Tom
 
Dear Dr HT

I wired myself up to a lie detector machine tonight and when it asked is Dr Honest TOm a quack and a charlatan - I said NO .

At which point it went off the scale and fused the lights .

Considering your reliance on such means , you do not have to say anything but anything you do say may be taken down and used as evidence , if you fail to mention anything now that you rely upon in your evidence at trial then adverse inferences may be drawn from your failure to mention it now .
 
And all without the aid of a prompt card! :D It reminds me of my colleague on the main entrance at Brighton and Lingfield, who's an ex-copper. I repelled one attempted freeloader (posing very unsuccessfully as an owner) today, which he intoned as: "attempting to obtain a pecuniary advantage by methods of deception". I just call 'em blaggers!
 
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