Jokes

Originally posted by rumoursabound@Sep 24 2005, 08:26 AM
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Derek you forgot the punchline :rolleyes: its an oldie too...........
 
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the lads."

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with her.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her "Midnight". She didn't seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why,she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh!t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
 
A boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean. What happened to the crew?




























They were marooned.
 
PDJ, you are excused because you are colour blind but red and blue make purple, not maroon.

It buggers the joke up a bit - some may say that that wouldn't matter - but the way to mix maroon is a about three red to one burgundy.
 
I've been trying to remember the Smith & Jones sketch where they were talking about their responses to being told crap jokes - it was something like :

Why do we respond "Oh! Ho-ho-ho! Hoooow funny!"

Instead of "Why don't you just fuck off & die, you useless git?"




(I promise, Smith & Jones made it sounds very funny - myself & a mate used it as a punchline for a long time after!)
 
He's still in HSS's paintmixing shop, Mo, trying to find a way that burgundy WON'T consist of three parts purple (i.e. red mixed with blue) to one part red...

... no, Brian, that's aubergine. Uh-uh, that's grape. Mmm, getting warmer with 'claret'. That's gone a little too pinot noir now, I think...
 
:o Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...


From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of legs protruding from under the chassis. He had stripped down to his shorts, and the gaping leggings had turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

A cough made her turn around to find her husband staring down at her.

The mechanic, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
 
:lol: :lol: Which reminds me:

Phil walks into his favourite pub, sporting two black eyes. "Wow! What the heck happened to you, Phil?" asks the publican.

"It's like this," says Phil, "I'm in this queue in the bank yesterday, and I notice the bird in front of me's got her skirt caught up in her knickers. Oh, I think, I bet she'd be really embarrassed if she knew what that looked like, so I pull the skirt out of the crack. And what does she do? She just turns round and belts me one in the eye!"

"Blimey," says the publican, "that wasn't very nice, was it?"

"That's what I thought," Phil continues, "so I reckon, well, she must like the skirt that way, so I stuck it back in..."
 
:o An 18 year-old girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the guy that did this to you?

I want to know.

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half a hour later a ferrari stops in front of the house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and mother, and the girl, and says "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem".

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and £4000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and £2000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarraige, what do you suggest I do?

At this point, the girls father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him....



















"YOU SH*G HER AGAIN".
 
A woman went to a doctor and said , "Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The doctor said, "Oh really, what have you been doing for it?"

The woman replied, "Snorting pepper."
 
A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.

"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor.
"Well, doctor, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"I see.." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?"
"Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard."
"Her legs!" exclained the doctor, appalled.

"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing.
"You asked your neighbour?" cried the shocked doctor.





"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the fcuking jar open!"
 
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