Jokes

Being that SIMMO loves my jokes here's another..... :o :D TWO in one day that'll teach you..... :P :D



A wealthy married man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she moved to Italy to raise the child. He would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll try to explain it," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti,Spaghetti,Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without".
 
:o A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks "Is your date running late?" "No" he replies, "Q's just given me this state of the art watch and I was just testing it"

The intrigued woman says "A state of the art watch? What's so special about it"?

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically" The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well it says you are not wearing any knickers..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broke because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast".
 
I watched Jack Dee 'Live at the Apollo' last night, not exactly live, as it was on tv. Marcus Brigstock was excellent, and then Rich Hall, the US comic, who was also very dry and funny. I loved his mention of his favourite bar in Montana, Shifty's, where, he says, 'they have a sign outside, saying "Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear". :D
 
2 Irish couples agree to swap partners for the night, after 3 hours of amzing sex, Paddy says, "I wonder how the women are getting on?"

----


The metropoplitan police are in trouble again.
They shot and killed 20 phalidomide muslims coming into the country on a bus.
A representative said our information was that a bus full of muslims were smuggling small arms into the country.

----

What's blue and fucks grannies?
Me, in my lucky blue coat.
 
Apologies if this has been posted previously.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa.  Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30,a woman is like America.  Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35,she is like India.  Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France.  Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50,she is like Yugoslavia.  Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes.  Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un-patrolled.  The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70,a woman is like Mongolia.  A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70,they become like Afghanistan.  Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

  _____



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 90,a man is like Zimbabwe.  Ruled by a dick.
 
I'd rather it was for the smileys. Hope you've got your incontinence knickers there Dom, 'cause.......


:lol: B) :P :lol: :lol: :D :D <_< :blink: :blink: :blink: :unsure: :shy:
 
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
"Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast
iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot
rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it
and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."



















Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married toother
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both
very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that
we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fu^%&ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted
 
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle
platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"."

"And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump
five feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze
ground, and 'e said "Jump!"."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass
my dignity to jump ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze
parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy,
and 'e said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp
your burm."."

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning"
 
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the firefighter, 'I don't want to tell you How to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.' The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog And at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says......... "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, Would I?"
 
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
BIG black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
p*nis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy
kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, What's
wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch p*nis, my left testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner
Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank Goodness! I thought you said
Turn Around."
 
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