Desert Orchid
Senior Jockey
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2005
- Messages
- 25,009
:lol:
At last... a funny joke.
At last... a funny joke.
Jokes
- Thread starter Merlin the Magician
- Start date
simmo
Senior Jockey
Last Saturday night; a skinny young black chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the
streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by
the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
clearly....It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP.....
BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
lumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its
chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came .
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....
Still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by
the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
clearly....It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP.....
BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
lumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its
chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came .
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....
Still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
BrianH
At the Start
It was dark, so how do you know he was black?
simmo
Senior Jockey
He was smiling?? 
I actually added that bit for Krizon's benefit.
I actually added that bit for Krizon's benefit.
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
SIMMO where did you get that one from the Beano or Dandy and to think you got the cheek to knock my jokes............... 
....................................................................................................................
HERE'S ANOTHER............ :lol:
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph
asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,
you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one
more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes
he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
"honey please...just one more time before I die?" she says,
"Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this
session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns
until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey,
I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get
up in the morning. You don't."
....................................................................................................................
HERE'S ANOTHER............
:lol: Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph
asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,
you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one
more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes
he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
"honey please...just one more time before I die?" she says,
"Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this
session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns
until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey,
I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get
up in the morning. You don't."
Desert Orchid
Senior Jockey
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2005
- Messages
- 25,009
At last, Merlin :lol:
jft2005
Conditional
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them
in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife
asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a
peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it
out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called
his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As
they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came
home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The
mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The
young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
brought the young man out to the kitchen for something
to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers,
our son in-law!"
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them
in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife
asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a
peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it
out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called
his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As
they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came
home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The
mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The
young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
brought the young man out to the kitchen for something
to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers,
our son in-law!"
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
all the girls will smile at this one?? you watch.......................... A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts . . .
“Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily “Fix the light, now? Does it look like I have an Electricians logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!”
The wife asks “well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.”
To which he replied, “fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so.”
Fine, she says, “then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break?.”
“I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps”, he says. “Does it look like I have B&Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!!! “
So he goes to the bar & drinks for a couple of hours, he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out. As he walks towards the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the hall he notices the light is flicker free and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed!
“Honey”, he asks, “how'd all this get fixed?”
She said, “well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong & I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake!”
He said “so what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo!......Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead??? I don't think so!”
Diminuendo
At the Start
A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. The service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
DIM you obviously have the SEAL of approval there!!!! :lol:
:lol:
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
DUPLICATED CHANGED TO THIS.................
ITS A WOMANS WORLD????????
How to make a woman happy?
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolera! nt
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Feed him
2. do him
3. and Shut up.
ITS A WOMANS WORLD????????
How to make a woman happy?
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolera! nt
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Feed him
2. do him
3. and Shut up.
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
sorry PEE so it is sorry TRUDI I will post another on the same page
trudij
Senior Jockey
The world's leading authority on wasp sounds is walking past a record
shop when he see's a dusty album in the window entitled "1000 Great
Wasp
Noises".
Shocked to see an album he really should own, he rushes in and
announces
himself to the assistant...
"I am the world's leading authority on wasp sounds, can I listen to the
album in your window please"
The assistant arranges the headphones etc and the world's leading
authority on wasp sounds listens with rapt anticipation.
20 minutes later the world's leading authority on wasp sounds returns
to
the counter and says to the assistant...
"I am the world's leading authority on wasp sounds but that album has
not one sound or noise that I can attribute to wasps"
The assistant replies "that's very strange sir" and goes off to check
the album.
He returns a minute later and rather grovellingly says to the world's
leading authority on wasp sounds....
"My sincere apologies sir but I appear to have played you..... . . . .
.
. . . . . . . . . . . The B-Side!!!"
shop when he see's a dusty album in the window entitled "1000 Great
Wasp
Noises".
Shocked to see an album he really should own, he rushes in and
announces
himself to the assistant...
"I am the world's leading authority on wasp sounds, can I listen to the
album in your window please"
The assistant arranges the headphones etc and the world's leading
authority on wasp sounds listens with rapt anticipation.
20 minutes later the world's leading authority on wasp sounds returns
to
the counter and says to the assistant...
"I am the world's leading authority on wasp sounds but that album has
not one sound or noise that I can attribute to wasps"
The assistant replies "that's very strange sir" and goes off to check
the album.
He returns a minute later and rather grovellingly says to the world's
leading authority on wasp sounds....
"My sincere apologies sir but I appear to have played you..... . . . .
.
. . . . . . . . . . . The B-Side!!!"
Lee Chater
At the Start
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Messages
- 366
Mother is watching a TV drama with her 8 year old and 10 year old sons.
All of a sudden a scene turns sexy and the actress starts moaning and becomes excited, the 10 year old goes red and looks at his mum who is also feeling uncomfortable but quickly says, " its okay son she is having an heart attack "
The 8 year old quickly comments saying " that was unlucky mum, she was just about to come "
All of a sudden a scene turns sexy and the actress starts moaning and becomes excited, the 10 year old goes red and looks at his mum who is also feeling uncomfortable but quickly says, " its okay son she is having an heart attack "
The 8 year old quickly comments saying " that was unlucky mum, she was just about to come "
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Jamaican Fireman
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Y know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station."
"Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. "From now on,when I say, 'Bell 1,' I want you to strip naked. When I say, 'Bell 2, ' you jump on de bed. When I say, 'Bell 3,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell 1," and the wife stripped naked. Bell 2, and she jumped on the bed. Bell 3, and they started to make love. After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell 4 !!" "What de hell is 'Bell 4 '?" he asked. She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de fire."
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Y know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station."
"Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. "From now on,when I say, 'Bell 1,' I want you to strip naked. When I say, 'Bell 2, ' you jump on de bed. When I say, 'Bell 3,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell 1," and the wife stripped naked. Bell 2, and she jumped on the bed. Bell 3, and they started to make love. After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell 4 !!" "What de hell is 'Bell 4 '?" he asked. She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de fire."
R
rumoursabound
Guest
R
rumoursabound
Guest
still not working
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Not a joke more a parody!!
There was a man who worked for the Post Office who's job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed
in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it
was about. The letter read,
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension day. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into
an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers
felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share
with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter
came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened, It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the
way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
b@****ds at the Post Office.
Edna
There was a man who worked for the Post Office who's job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed
in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it
was about. The letter read,
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension day. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into
an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers
felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share
with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter
came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened, It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the
way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
b@****ds at the Post Office.
Edna
