Jokes

:lol:

Some questions about babies...

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.



Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.



Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.



Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.



Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.



Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?



Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).



Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.



Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.



Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.



Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.



Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.



Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.



Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A: When you see teeth marks.



Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.



Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.
 
:lol: :lol: :lol: Excellent, Dessie! Every one a beaut. I hope Griffin and Grumpy read them and spot the ones that apply...
 
Mel, did you 'liberate' that from the Final Furlong, 'cos it's over there, too! :lol: (It probably should've stayed there, too...) :D

Deep in the Congolese jungle, a researcher is working on a study of the lowland gorillas. He's keeping a low profile watching the huge silverback, so is a bit alarmed when the animal strides purposefully over to him and holds out his hand. He nearly faints when the gorilla says, in perfect English, "Good morning. You must be the latest researcher into primate activity. I'm Silvester, welcome to Mbongo, my little kingdom. Feel free to take as many photographs as you like, and to talk to any of my family about our lives here."

After a minute of stunned silence, the researcher gathers his wits and has a lengthy, detailed discussion with Silvester about life in the jungle. "I can't believe how - well, how incredibly civilized you all are, Silvester," he enthuses. "You're peaceful, you all live in harmony, and you speak wonderful English."

"Well, that's down to Dian Fossey, really," explains Silvester. "She taught us such a lot, and we know how to make and use simple tools. I even typed her notes for her." The researcher is astounded. "You can TYPE?" "Oh, yes," replies Silvester. "It took a while, but I finally got the last pages done yesterday, in fact."

The researcher looks puzzled. "Yesterday? But, er, Miss Fossey's been dead, oh, about 20 years. That seems to be quite a long time to type up some notes."

The gorilla looks annoyed. "Well, yeah, okay, so I took twenty years. But that fucking monkey over there's still only halfway through Twelfth Night!"
 
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
 
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee." She noted.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
 
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked!The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes! , picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
 
There was a couple that had been married for 20 years. Ever night they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device a vibrator Soft, wonderful and larger than the real thing.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b'stard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years You better explain yourself "

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:








"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
 
A Scotsman was under arrest today for having sex with a cat,

The case was dismissed by the judge as scotsmen are too tight to put anything into a kitty.
 
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.......




This procedure also works in Birmingham, Essex, Sunderland and anywhere in Wales.
 
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My
hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he
said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they?
 
His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit. Davie saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Bucky and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit. Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers-by "see my new trainers? Cool, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Davie aware that he had a lace undone? Davie scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing. When asked for proof of this instruction, Davie took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ....















Taiwan !!!!!
 
An oldie but a goodie, simmo.

What's the difference between a woman coming out of Confession and a woman coming out of the bath?























One's got hope in her soul...
 
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