Jokes

Gary Glitter is facing the firing squad in Vietnam. The chief asks him if he has any last requests.

Yes, replies Glitter. Can Peter Crouch take the shot?
 
I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more
fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I
wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a
Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would
start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the
centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head Tavern
with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit,
but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to
the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and
pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The
Queen's Head Tavern and have a drink with me?
A little voice came out of the

box:...........................................















I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on."
 
Roger - that 'form' is too bad too be true. Is it QUIXALL CROSSETT's? :blink:

An old sea-dog and a pirate meet up for a few half-casks in a tavern, many years ago. During the course of their merry evening, the sailor notes the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch. Inevitably, he gets around to inquiring about their provenance. "So, Black Dog, if you don't mind my askin', how'd ye get that thur peg-leg o' yours?" Black Dog the pirate taps his wooden leg admiringly, and says, "Well, it was in me early days in the Tropics, and after a fierce fight against Red Roger and his thieves, we were sunk. 'Twas while I was gettin' in the lifeboat, this damn great shark up an' bit it clean off."

A few more drinks pass, and the old sailor gets round to Black Dog's hook. "Ah, you noticed," says Black Dog, tapping out a tune with it on the table. "This be when we were a-fightin' Old Blue Nose, the nastiest pirate on the seven seas. Just as I was haulin' meself aboard his ship, he cuts it off with his cutlass, the swine.'

They exchange a few more salty tales, then the sailor decides to ask about the eye patch. "Oh-ho, the old patch. Yes. Very unfortunate," replies Black Dog. "That was a seagull. Shat in me eye."

The sailor looks incredulous. "Ye lost the eye to bird droppings?" he queries.

"Ah, not exackerly to the droppings, like," says Black Dog. "See, it was me first day with me hook."
 
A friend sent it to me today, funnily enough with the one about hanging the person up to dry in the mental hospital - it seems that most jokes whizz around the world around about the same time, so you get the same one 20 times in a month.
 
Nominated as the best short joke this year!

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," replied his mother.
 
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,
and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" SEX!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!" I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could
just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each
night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold
Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
 
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Chelsea fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Chelsea fan?" "Because my mum and dad are from London, and my mum is a Chelsea fan and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan
 
Designed by a woman with a MAN in MIND?

malebrain.jpg
 
P - I'll have to try that one out on our many new residential gays in Crumbly Towers - mind you, they've probably heard it 90 times already!
 
A newly wed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and after a bottle of champers, start to undress.

After the groom removes his socks his new bride asks in disgust "What's up with your toes? They are all mangled and bent!". "I had Tolio when I was a nipper" he replied. "Don't you mean Polio?" she asked further. "No, it was Tolio, it only affected my toes"

The groom then removes his strides to which his wife recdoils in shock. "What the hell happened to your knees? They are all knobblyn and mis-shaped". "I had kneasles when I was young" the slightly embarressed groom replied. "Don't you mean measles?" his wife asked. "No, it was a rare disease that only affected my knees" he explained.

Finally, off came the Y-fronts, to which the young bride commented...

"Let me guess....




















...Smallcox!"
 
I had a load of Euros to exchange, so today I popped into my local bank and headed for the shortest queue for the Currency Exchange window. There was only one man in front of me, an Oriental gentleman exchanging Yen for dollars, but I noticed he was a bit agitated. After staring at the money in front of him for a bit, he snapped at the teller, "Mistah! Yesserday I come here, I get $200 for Yen. Today you gimme $180. What happening?"

The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy grabbed his money off the counter and stormed out, shouting, "And fluck you white guys, too!"
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
* * * * * * *
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
* * * * * * * *
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honour thy Father and thy Mother", she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
* * * * * * * *
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
* * * * * * * *
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
* * * * * * * *
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
* * * * * *
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too
 
NEW WORDS FOR 2006........JUST MAY SUIT A FEW ON HERE??? :o :lol:

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking B*llocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.


PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -needless
paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all') - New Oxford dictionary definitions

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC. Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks
 
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