Jokes

From some American church news bulletins:

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At Evening Service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?'. Come early, and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of new members, and the deterioration of old ones.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church - please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

The 8th-Graders will present Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement, Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person/s you want remembered.

The Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
 
Old but I like it :lol:

David Blunkett turned up for work at Number 10 last week, an occurance which has been happening regularly recently. The PM broke it to him, "David, I'm sorry, but you dont work here anymore", David replied, "Yeah I know, but will someone tell my fucking dog?"
 
Aunty Sharon


A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is,
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."

Johnny, do you have a story to share?" (with a slight tremor in her voice)
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon.
Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and
her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out
of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the
blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f@*% away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
 
I was chatting to my neighbour the other day and I ask him how he likes being retired it went like this........

Working people frequently ask retired people like me what they do to make their days interesting.........


Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in the High Street.

I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a warden writing out a parking ticket.



I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.



I called him a Bastard.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.



So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. :o



This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.





Personally, I didn't give a shit.

I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at my age. ;) :P :lol:
 
An Indian restaurant near my home town was in the news this week. Apparently, the head chef was taken ill and wasn't able to work his shift. This caused a bit of panic in the restaurant as the manager didn't have time to arrange any cover. He ended up asking one of the waiters to help out in the kitchen.

Anyway, while preparing for opening time, the staff were struggling to find the garlic. They searched high and low to no avail. Earlier that day though, the manager had been to the garden centre to buy some daffodil bulbs to plant in his garden. He had left them on one of the work tops in the kitchen and the waiter who he had asked to cover the absent chef mis-took the bulbs for garlic cloves! He proceded to crush up the daffodil bulbs and add them to all the dishes!

The restaurant was quite busy that night and as you can imagine all the diners were taken seriously ill throughout the night and rushed to hospital...

They are all doing fine now but wont be out until spring! :lol:
 
It was a stonking '10' on the Groanometer, Caj! :D :D Keep 'em up, duckie - we need lots of giggles now that Cheltenham is likely to consist of 'F' Graders who've still got a few sound tendons!
 
Ever wonder what the fastest thing on earth is?

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There is no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you, Sir?” He asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye that's a very popular cliché¨ for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. Well, out at my dad's farm, you step out of the house and on the wall, there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran to the bathroom. But before I could
THINK,
BLINK,
or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already SHIT my myself!"

HE GOT THE JOB
 
Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday. His Dad said "we'd get u one but the mortgage is £80,000 and ur Mam has lost her job".

Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his Dad asked "where u goin?"

Patrick replied "I walked past your bedroom last night and heard u tell Mam u were pullin out, then I heard her tell u to wait cos she was comin too, and I'm not stayin here on my own with a £80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike....
 
Apologies in advance to those of a sensitive disposition (they should look away now), but the strong language is key to the joke. Please feel free to expunge it should it cause anyone offence.

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
 
I'll give my second favourite joke a whirl and probably offend all of those I failed to with the first.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
 
Elton John is getting a divorce from his husband.

Aparently he has been having sex behind his back!
 
Originally posted by SteveM@Jan 13 2006, 01:28 PM
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
Click to expand...
I might have heard it some years ago - I saw the climax coming.
 
OLD BUT STILL GOOD ??
:lol: On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?” inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everythin’ !"
 
> COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
>
>
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
>
> COS! TELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
> thinking about
> buying a computer.
>
>
> ABBOTT: Mac?
>
>
> COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
>
>
> ABBOTT: Your computer?
>
>
> COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>
>
> ABBOTT: Mac?
>
>
> COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
>
>
> ABBOTT: What about Windows?
>
>
> COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>
>
> COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
>
>
> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
>
>
> ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
>
>
> COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
> proposals
> and track expenses. What do you have?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Office.
>
>
> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
>
>
> ABBOTT: I just did.
>
>
> COSTELLO: You just did what?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Recommend something.
>
>
> COSTELLO: You recommended something?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Yes.
>
>
> COSTELLO: For my office?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Yes.
>
>
> COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Office.
>
>
> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
>
>
> ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
>
>
> COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say
> I'm
> sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
> need?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Word.
>
>
> COSTELLO: What word?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Word in Office.
>
>
> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
>
>
> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>
> COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
>
>
> ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
>
>
> COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
> some
> straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anyth!
> ing I can
> track my money with?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Money.
>
>
> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Money.
>
>
> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>
>
> ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
>
>
> COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Money.
>
>
> COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
>
>
> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
>
>
> ABBOTT: One copy.
>
>
> COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>
>
> COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
>
>
> (A few days later)
>
>
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
>
> COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
>
>
> ABBOTT: Click on "START"............
 
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