Jokes
- Thread starter Merlin the Magician
- Start date
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
An Unusual Complication
A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-
hour surgical procedure.
A student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she
takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...
Are - my - test - results - back?"
A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-
hour surgical procedure.
A student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she
takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Bar the Bull
At the Start
To be read in a Scottish accent:
What's the difference between a Bing Crosbie and a Walt Disney?
Well Bing sings, but Walt Disney.
What's the difference between a Bing Crosbie and a Walt Disney?
Well Bing sings, but Walt Disney.
I'm flattered, Bar. That joke is my big claim to fame. I remember sitting making it up in my Spanish class when I was in third year (1969-70) and it was all round the school in a day or two.
About 10 years later, Billy Connolly told it on stage to a TV audience.
(I didn't include 'a' before the names, though.)
About 10 years later, Billy Connolly told it on stage to a TV audience.
(I didn't include 'a' before the names, though.)
jft2005
Conditional
Elephant Says to a Camel, "why are your breasts on your back?"
Camel replies, "thats rich coming from a man with a dick on his face"
Camel replies, "thats rich coming from a man with a dick on his face"
betsmate
At the Start
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2004
- Messages
- 5,752
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table. She looks into her little bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" He roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen And yells. "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through This with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it Was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put Everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to Fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, it was Mummy Bear who cleaned the litter box, it was Mummy Bear who filled the cat's water and food dish. And now That you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence. Listen good, because I'm Only going to say this one more time..."
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*CKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" He roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen And yells. "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through This with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it Was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put Everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to Fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, it was Mummy Bear who cleaned the litter box, it was Mummy Bear who filled the cat's water and food dish. And now That you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence. Listen good, because I'm Only going to say this one more time..."
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*CKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. (this one goes both ways)
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at
all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
AWoman's Prayer: "Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love
and to forgive him, and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death "
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When
the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and
the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the
end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up!"
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. (this one goes both ways)
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at
all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
AWoman's Prayer: "Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love
and to forgive him, and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death "
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When
the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and
the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the
end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up!"
qzy
At the Start
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2005
- Messages
- 805
10 words that don't exist but should......
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilise the lolly you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilise the lolly you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
betsmate
At the Start
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2004
- Messages
- 5,752
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls, but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave. The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the police pull him up for speeding. The PC asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs".
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He rushes back to his Volvo and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the f****rs have managed to nick a motorbike already."
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls, but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave. The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the police pull him up for speeding. The PC asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs".
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He rushes back to his Volvo and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the f****rs have managed to nick a motorbike already."
Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
That is very good!!!! :lol: :lol:
"Irelands Own" Personal Ads
Bitter, disillusioned Kerryman lately rejected by longtime fiancée
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchetfaced bitches.
Gingerhaired Galwegian troublemaker, gets sliteyed and shirty after
a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more.
Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual seashells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we
bounce along like little
tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong
stomach essential.
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
include cooking, light cleaning and accom panying me to office social
functions. References required. No timewasters.
Badtempered, foulmouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with
big chest.
Devilworshiper, Offaly area, seeks like minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering
cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition
at Jolenes Nightclub, Macroom, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man
who's not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort drinking and
listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
Optimistic Mayo man 35, seeks blonde 20 year old doublejointed
supermodel who owns her own brewery and has an openminded twin
sister.
Bitter, disillusioned Kerryman lately rejected by longtime fiancée
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchetfaced bitches.
Gingerhaired Galwegian troublemaker, gets sliteyed and shirty after
a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more.
Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual seashells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we
bounce along like little
tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong
stomach essential.
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
include cooking, light cleaning and accom panying me to office social
functions. References required. No timewasters.
Badtempered, foulmouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with
big chest.
Devilworshiper, Offaly area, seeks like minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering
cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition
at Jolenes Nightclub, Macroom, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man
who's not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort drinking and
listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
Optimistic Mayo man 35, seeks blonde 20 year old doublejointed
supermodel who owns her own brewery and has an openminded twin
sister.
Desert Orchid
Senior Jockey
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2005
- Messages
- 25,010
:lol: especially the alibi-seeker :lol:
trudij
Senior Jockey
A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down
>by a
>Bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter
>welcomed her:
>
>"Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little problem... you
>see,
>we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and
>we're
>not really sure what to do with you." "Oh, I see," said the woman.
>"Can't
>you just let me in?" "Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have
>higher
>orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in Hell and a day in
>Heaven,
>and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."
>"Actually, I think I'd prefer Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have
>rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound
>elevator.
>
>As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf
>course. In
>the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past
>fellow
>executives, all smartly addressed, happy, and cheering for her. They
>ran up
>and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
>played a
>perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she
>enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was
>actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and
>dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her
>hand
>and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went
>back
>up to Heaven where
>St. Peter was waiting for her.
>
>"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the
>next 24
>hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which
>was
>almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell.
>
>At the day's end St Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day
>in
>Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. You must choose between the
>two."
>
>The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, Heaven is certainly
>lovely, but I actually had a better time in Hell. I choose Hell."
>
>Accordingly, St.Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back
>down
>to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
>standing in
>a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
>dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The
>Devil
>approached and put his arm around her.
>
>"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here,
>and
>there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we
>danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there's just a dirty
>wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
>
>The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
>today
>you're staff."
>
>by a
>Bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter
>welcomed her:
>
>"Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little problem... you
>see,
>we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and
>we're
>not really sure what to do with you." "Oh, I see," said the woman.
>"Can't
>you just let me in?" "Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have
>higher
>orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in Hell and a day in
>Heaven,
>and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."
>"Actually, I think I'd prefer Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have
>rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound
>elevator.
>
>As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf
>course. In
>the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past
>fellow
>executives, all smartly addressed, happy, and cheering for her. They
>ran up
>and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
>played a
>perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she
>enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was
>actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and
>dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her
>hand
>and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went
>back
>up to Heaven where
>St. Peter was waiting for her.
>
>"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the
>next 24
>hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which
>was
>almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell.
>
>At the day's end St Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day
>in
>Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. You must choose between the
>two."
>
>The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, Heaven is certainly
>lovely, but I actually had a better time in Hell. I choose Hell."
>
>Accordingly, St.Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back
>down
>to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
>standing in
>a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
>dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The
>Devil
>approached and put his arm around her.
>
>"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here,
>and
>there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we
>danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there's just a dirty
>wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
>
>The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
>today
>you're staff."
>
Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
Class Trudi - and oh-so-true!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Euronymous
Senior Jockey
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the toilets. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
--------------------------------
Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to
enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to
meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled
So I told her to f*ck off.
----------------------
Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found.
It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience."
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the toilets. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
--------------------------------
Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to
enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to
meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled
So I told her to f*ck off.
----------------------
Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found.
It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience."
I'm a bit upset today. This super guy I've been dating for a few weeks has had to go into hospital. The silly thing came in after gardening, tried to cook a meal for himself, and got some daffodil bulbs mixed into his stew instead of onions. He's feeling terrible. On the bright side, though, the doctor's told me he'll be out in the Spring.
qzy
At the Start
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2005
- Messages
- 805
For the ladies....
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.
Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have
seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had
no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop
and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,
*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule!
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.
Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have
seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had
no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop
and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,
*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule!
Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
Very good!!!! :lol: :lol: