Jokes

What's the difference between a computer and a woman?














When you punch information into a computer it stays there.
 
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course
of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's
flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of
the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if
there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading
his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".


About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just
to be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote:





DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE
FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR
DINNER.


LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:


DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF
HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.


LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

(SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)

____________________________________________________________________

The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE The MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU
need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the
Sex that I want.
After that, you are going to run me my bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will
massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going
To dress me and comb my hair?"


His wife replied, "The f***ing funeral director would be my guess."
 
Some excellent jokes - I like the HR one best having spent all week cross examining the weasels ( sorry to any HR directors on here )
 
Ye bunch of gits! I haven't looked at this thread in months, I go straight to the last page and I find two apologies to me :D Actually, it is one of my fav jokes. B)
 
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . .

"Fü©k off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral."
 
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla
said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun".

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off
to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my
bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have

to.......

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem
hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Shilla, but the last time I shlept with a
shcouser, the bitch shtole ma wallet !".
 
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says" Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

"Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
 
WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your
upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that
he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him own the
correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking
for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said,
"You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that
is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you
should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the
coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the
bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.
 
:o Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
 
I'm sure I've seen these before, hopefully not here.

Viz Magazine's top letters

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart
disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long
and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their
minds up.
John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2
million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the
delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL
next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates
goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal
record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the
law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the
final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct
answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson
with?' to which I confidently replied '<UNT'. Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping
his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own
drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian
wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia
have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never
been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland
ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with
young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns
and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football
match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich
and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain,
a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it
a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about
Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies
for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try
to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis
in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he
played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the
exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope
that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of
humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly
took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this
taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I
was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown
"da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J
 
I'm sure I've seen these before, hopefully not here.

Viz Magazine's top letters

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart
disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long
and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their
minds up.
John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2
million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the
delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL
next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates
goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal
record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the
law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the
final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct
answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson
with?' to which I confidently replied '<UNT'. Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping
his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own
drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian
wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia
have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never
been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland
ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with
young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns
and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football
match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich
and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain,
a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it
a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about
Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies
for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try
to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis
in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he
played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the
exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope
that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of
humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly
took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this
taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I
was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown
"da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J
 
There's this room, and in it are Jim Morrison and Ray Manserek.
They've both got their trousers pulled right down to their ankles and
Gillian Taylforth of Eastenders is crawling around on all fours with
her mouth open.

Next to Jim and Ray are the Beatles, including Yoko Ono, and they've
all got their trousers down to their ankles and Gillian Taylforth is
crawling round on all fours with her mouth open.

Next to the Beatles are the Rolling Stones, and the whole band have
got their trousers round their ankles and Gillian Taylforth is
crawling round on all fours with her mouth open.

Suddenly, one of the walls flies apart as a Mini comes crashing
through it. The mini stops, the door opens, and out steps Michael
Caine who shouts...

"OI! GILLIAN! YOU WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF!''
 
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