Jokes

There's this room, and in it are Jim Morrison and Ray Manserek.
They've both got their trousers pulled right down to their ankles and
Gillian Taylforth of Eastenders is crawling around on all fours with
her mouth open.

Next to Jim and Ray are the Beatles, including Yoko Ono, and they've
all got their trousers down to their ankles and Gillian Taylforth is
crawling round on all fours with her mouth open.

Next to the Beatles are the Rolling Stones, and the whole band have
got their trousers round their ankles and Gillian Taylforth is
crawling round on all fours with her mouth open.

Suddenly, one of the walls flies apart as a Mini comes crashing
through it. The mini stops, the door opens, and out steps Michael
Caine who shouts...

"OI! GILLIAN! YOU WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF!''
 
An Irishman, an Australian and a Valley boy were sitting in a bar.



There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept

looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman

cried out:

"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"

The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself,

Sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge :

"Hey! Hey youz! Are you Jesus?"

Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

"Yes, I am Jesus," he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the barman over and says to him:

"I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

The barman pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass

In thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out : "Oi you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or

what?"

Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the barman send over a jug

Of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Valley boy then calls out : "Oi butt, you Jesus, like ?"

Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Valley boy beckons

The barman and tells him to send over a pint of Brains Bitter for Jesus,

Which the barman duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles

Over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus approaches our three friends.



He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him

For the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of

amazement:

"Holy Mary mother of God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've

Had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!!"

Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.

Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock:

"Strewth mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is

completely gone - it's a miracle!!!"



Jesus then goes to approach the Valley boy who says:

"Watch it butt! I'm on the sick!"
 
An Irishman, an Australian and a Valley boy were sitting in a bar.



There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept

looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman

cried out:

"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"

The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself,

Sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge :

"Hey! Hey youz! Are you Jesus?"

Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

"Yes, I am Jesus," he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the barman over and says to him:

"I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

The barman pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass

In thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out : "Oi you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or

what?"

Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the barman send over a jug

Of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Valley boy then calls out : "Oi butt, you Jesus, like ?"

Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Valley boy beckons

The barman and tells him to send over a pint of Brains Bitter for Jesus,

Which the barman duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles

Over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus approaches our three friends.



He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him

For the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of

amazement:

"Holy Mary mother of God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've

Had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!!"

Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.

Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock:

"Strewth mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is

completely gone - it's a miracle!!!"



Jesus then goes to approach the Valley boy who says:

"Watch it butt! I'm on the sick!"
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologise "Please allow me to help, I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.

"Oh no I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied, still lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistance, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside. She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels fabulous, but my thumb still hurts like hell"
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologise "Please allow me to help, I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.

"Oh no I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied, still lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistance, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside. She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels fabulous, but my thumb still hurts like hell"
 
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant
building plot.
One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned
up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's
5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next
door and started talking with the workers.She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of
gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her
'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to
the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling
her about her'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay
packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank
cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with
the men building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working
on the house again this week, as well?"
The little girl thought for a moment and said,
"I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f*cking bricks."

__________________________________________________________________

We Johnny walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his Dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.Worried
about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him. The
son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies
"Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top
of it to help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," say's Johnny."Why is that?" asked his mom,
puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets
on her knees and blows it back up again."

___________________________________________________________________

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the
night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the
fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and
lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good
seeing to.
"Now its your turn, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie
asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"
Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"
 
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant
building plot.
One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned
up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's
5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next
door and started talking with the workers.She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of
gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her
'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to
the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling
her about her'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay
packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank
cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with
the men building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working
on the house again this week, as well?"
The little girl thought for a moment and said,
"I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f*cking bricks."

__________________________________________________________________

We Johnny walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his Dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.Worried
about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him. The
son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies
"Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top
of it to help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," say's Johnny."Why is that?" asked his mom,
puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets
on her knees and blows it back up again."

___________________________________________________________________

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the
night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the
fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and
lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good
seeing to.
"Now its your turn, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie
asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"
Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"
 
A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying
there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
 
IRISH SPEEDOS

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to
make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some
advice. Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them
old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're
years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos -
about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new
tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was
disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and
laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong
now?"

JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"
 
The young cowpoke walks into a dusty old bar, just after sundown. He swaggers up to the counter and is about to order a rye, when he spies a huge jar full of $10 bills behind the bar.

"Say, what's with all those $10 bills," he asks the barman, "there's gotta be several thousand dollars in there, ain't thur?" The barman nods, and says, "Yep, sonny, there's thousands in that jar. You wanna win it?"

The cowpoke, a bit short of cash that week, says he sure would like to win it, what's the deal?

"The deal," says the barman, "is that you first hand over your $10 bill. No ifs or buts. That's the rule. You hand it over, then you have to pass three tests. And you cain't ask what kinda tests afore you hand over the bill."

The cowpoke reckons there's not much to test him in the bar, hands over one of his precious $10 bills, which the barman shoves into the jar with the others.

"Right, sonny," says the barman. "Here's the three tests. First, you see that cask of pepper tequila over there? Right, you gotta drink that in one single shot, and no screwing your nose up or makin' faces. Straight down. The second test - my pitbull's out the back, tied up and real mean. He's got a sore tooth and you've gotta get it outta his mouth and bring it back in here. Then, last, maybe the toughest test - my grandma's upstairs, she ain't had a man since 1960, and you gotta put that right or you don't win no jar o'bucks, okay?"

The cowpoke thinks these over, and says he'll think about it. The tequila test sounds okay, even the dog, but... he orders his rye and sits down. By the time he's ordered his fourth rye, he's not only getting accustomed to the idea of the tests, but he's near broke. "Okay!" he yells to the barman, and all the customers sit up and take notice. "Okay! I'm up for it! Lemme have that tequila!" So he grabs the cask of pepper tequila and though it tastes like a day in Hell, he manages to get it down him in one shot. He gets a round of applause, and a couple of ranchers buy him a round of drinks.

Seriously squiffy by now, with the rye and cask of tequila inside him, he lurches from his chair and yells, "Okay! Whuz the dawg? I'm goin' do the dawg now!" The barman opens the back door, the customers stand aside and let the cowpoke through, and a few moments later there's a lot of barking, some howling, some growling, a couple of sharp yelps and a squeal, then silence.

After a few moments, the back door opens and in comes the cowpoke, his shirt torn and his arms scratched pretty badly. He staggers into the bar room, holds onto a table for support, and then says to the barman, "Okay, thash your dawg taken care of. Now whuz the old lady with the sore tooth?"
 
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was at the beginning of my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement,

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:

"WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMEN'S TEE PLEASE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE!!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back, "WOULD THE IDIOT IN THE CLUBHOUSE KINDLY SHUT UP AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!"
 
The Labour Party has decided to change its logo from a rose to a condom, believing it more accurately reflects their policies.

This is because a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you're being f**ked....
 
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After eighteen years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him down the pub, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the customers in the saloon bar looking on curiously and the barman shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The saloon bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy!!

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The customers chant "Have another drink!"

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out!

The saloon bar goes wild!!!

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Have another drink!"

The barman ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The pub is in chaos!!!!!!!

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street,
where a 7 tonne lorry runs over him and kills him instantly.

The saloon bar falls silent.......

The father moans in grief.


The barman sighs and says...
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>(wait for it!!)
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>(Are you ready?)
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>(don't hate me)
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>
>> >>>>"He should have quit while he was a head!"
 
The same head was lying on the bed the night before .crying his eyes out. His Dad went in to see him and asked what the matter was.The head was inconsolable.
"Son, nothing's that bad. Look you were born with no arms, no legs, no torso and you're still here, all the care and attention you can want. You must realise life dealt you a severe blow but it can't get any worse now can it, be honest."

The head starts wailing again "It can Dad, it can"

"However can it son, don't be silly"

"It can Dad, it can..............I'm having all my teeth out tomorrow"
 
When Bob first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Bob became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and
even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple
that, though rare, Bob's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Bob be on crutches?" his wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs,
aren't you?
 
More head jokes (I think this was one from Dave Allen's Cornucopia of Corn, though maybe not):

The couple had given birth to a healthy, happy head 20 years ago. In spite of having no torso or limbs, the boy - he now needed shaving - was as cheerful as possible under the circumstances. Now the day of his 21st birthday drew nigh. His Mum and Dad conferred, but couldn't think of what to get him. When you're just a head, choice is limited. They finally decided against a suprise gift, and asked him outright what he'd like.

"I don't care," he said, "you can get me anything you like, as long as it's not another fecking hat!"
 
The heads are not as unlucky as the case recorded a few years ago at a northern maternity hospital. The doctor went to see the father in the waiting room and said "I'm afraid that there have been complications and the baby has no torso, no arms, no legs and no head. In fact, it is just one big eye."

"Oh my God, apart from that doctor is the baby healthy?"

"Well, it is blind..."
 
I hope Griffin isn't reading this section!!

When I was pregnant with Gile, the film of the moment was Alien. Being sci-fi addicts, of course we had to go see....

I sooo wished I hadn't B)
 
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