Jokes

WEIGHT LOSS

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20
pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that reads:

"If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover
that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke
and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most
rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies,

"I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."
 
A bear, a lion and a chicken are sitting talking about who is the hardest.The bear says `When I roar the whole forest trembles` so the lion says `When I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear`. Then the chicken says `thats nothing,all I have to do is cough and the whole world sh*ts itself!!!!`
 
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
>where:
>
>
>:) means a smile and
>
>:( is a frown.
>
>Sometimes these are represented by
>
>:-) and
>
>:-( respectively.
>
>Well, how about some "arseicons"? Here goes:
>
>(_!_) a regular ar*se
>
>(__!__) a fat ar*se
>
>(!) a tight ar*se
>
>(_*_) a sore ar*se
>
>{_!_} a swishy ar*se
>
>(_o_) an ar*se that's been around
>
>(_x_) kiss my ar*se
>
>(_X_) leave my ar*se alone
>
>(_zzz_) a tired ar*se
>
>(_E=mc2_) a smart ar*se
>
>(_$_) Money coming out of his ar*se
>
>(_?_) Dumb ar*se
>
>..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
>oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
>o o *o
>.o o 'o
>o o o
>o o o
>o o o
>o 0 o
>o. o o
>o o o
>o \o/ o
>o -o- oo
>oo /o\ oo
>oo. oo oo
>'ooo. oo. ooo
>o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
>o. """""" oo """"" o
>'o oo o'
>o oo o
>'o o o*
>o o o
>o o o
>o o o
>o o o
>o o o
>o o o
>You have just been e-mooned!
 
A bear, a lion and a chicken are involved in a game of one-upmanship……...

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Says the chicken: "big deal, I only have to cough, and the entire planet s***'s itself
 
Don't worry about it - at least it was a chicken and not
orville_the_duck.jpg
 
Subject: Health Questions and answers
I thought it might be helpful to see a Health - Questions and Answers


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in
the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming
"WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
 
A LESSON TO ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS!

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767's had been withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I am quite sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
"May I have your attention please, May I have your attention please,"
She began in a loud voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS!
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled sweetly and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too".
 
Lovely stuff. I've always thought that the 'Do you know who I am?' types need gently leading by the arm, and being asked in a not-too-quiet voice, 'I'm sorry, my dear, when did you first not know who you are? Have you had a bang on the head?'
 
TECHNOLIGY IS EVERYWHERE NOW!!! :o

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

____________________________

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 May 2002

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e- mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here
 
The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was maturbating.

"Oh my," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am so sorry," said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a bl*w-job.

"Oh my," said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied,"Same problem, but he's with BUPA."
 
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years".

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?

This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that."
 
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He
responded.
>
> "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
>Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a
beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 
This one courtesy of a forum member who is overseas at present:

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the middle of three rings, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty
swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the samefaded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be".
 
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