Jokes

Japaneese scientists have invented a camera with such a high shutter speed that it is now possible to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut......
 
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
:cry: :cry: :cry:
 
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when
he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the
object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150.
This one goes very nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?

I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie".
 
7 types of Sex....

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you
first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually
have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway, you
both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you right in front of
everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
 
Sales: "You want answers?"

Finance: "I think we are entitled to them!"

Sales: "You want answers?!"

Finance: "I want the truth!"

Sales: "You can't handle the truth!!!"

Sales (continuing): "Sir , we live in a world that requires revenue.
And that revenue must be brought in by people with elite skills. Who's going to find it? You, Mr. Finance? You, Mr. Operations? We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

You scoff at the sales division and you curse our lucrative incentives.
You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know:
that while the cost of business results can be excessive, it drives in revenue. And my very existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, drives REVENUE! You don't want to know the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at staff meetings ... you want me on that call. You NEED me on that call!

We use words like comps, migration, discounts, flex licensing. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent negotiating something. You use them as a punch line!

I have neither the time nor inclination to explain myself to people who rise and sleep under the very blanket of revenue I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a phone and make some sales calls. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!"

Finance: "Did you expense the lap dances?"

Sales: "I did the job I was hired to do."

Finance: "Did you expense the lap dances?"

Sales: "You're Goddamn right I did!"
 
A ventriloquist visiting Roscommon walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Roscommon man

Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at
the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the
villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"
 
Maybe a slightly subtle difference in inference (a poem in there somewhere, I'm sure). In Mayo (at least) Roscommoners are known as sheep stealers.
 
Two unfortunate nuns are caught by two scoundrels late at night and are raped. During the crime one nun is heard to utter " Oh Lord, Forgive them, for they know not what they do" Her colleague responds, in a quivering voice " Oh God, this one certainly does"
 
chat up lines, cheesy i know! but one or two made me chuckle!


>

1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.

3. Nice legs... What time do they open?

4. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?

9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

12. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

13. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

14. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

15. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

16. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.

17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

18. You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?

19. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

20. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

21. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

22. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

23. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

24. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

25. Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?
 
I was in teh line up of a cob class at a show once, and the steward said to me " I see youve got 15 hands between your legs - want two more??"

:lol: :D

Did the trick - we won.....
 
This guy went to see this female chiropodist and he was waiting in the waiting room and felt uncomfortable around the ball area (we men have all at sometime had to adjust our tackle?) he decided to drop his trousers and readjust his tackle.
Just then the chiropodist came into the waiting room, and on seeing this guy in this position screamed out " Ahhh that’s not a foot" and the guy said "no mam its a good 11-1/2 inches though"............................... :P :)
 
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