Jokes

BBC World Cup Guidelines for commentary team.
1 -Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (Germany v Costa Rica), the commentator must mention England.
2 - Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England have to be mentioned within the first minute.
3 - The commentator shall refer to the Falkland Isles in passing at some point in the match if England play Argentina.
4 - Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be made within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.
5 - Should England wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be mentioned approximately 20 times.
6 - 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match, or only on
4 or 5 occasions for matches not involving England.
7 - Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the commentator will mention Bobby Moore. And 1966.
8 - When Germany are playing, they must be referred to as being arrogant by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This must refer to their style, their passing, their haircuts and their general footballing ability.
9 - Should England play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill,
Dambusters, The Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory. And 1966.
10 - All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer to England as "we" and "us".
11 - We must ensure that nationalistic stereotypes are adhered to. Of course, the Germans are arrogant. The Spanish are bottlers, The Ivory Coast are fast but bad at defending, The Angolans are disorganised, The Argentinians are cheats and the French are only good because their best players play in England.
12 - For matches not involving England, we must only discuss the players that are playing in England. (eg Holland v Argentina should be referred to as Van Nistelroy v Crespo).
13 - The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often as possible.
14 - Each match involving England should begin with the phrase "England Expects."
15 - Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss of teeth, then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.
16 - If in doubt, mention 1966.
17 - Praise all of the stunning new stadiums in Germany but emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football since 1966.
18 - Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth
Wolstenholme, the hero of 1966.
19 - Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie and Bobby Charlton should be mentioned.
20 - When England bow out after the first stage, we must emphasise that it is a massive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.
 
If really stuck for wangling in 1966 yet again, mention that it is now 900 years since 1066 and all that, especially if the French are mentioned.
 
A South African loses his leg in a gold mine accident - "I'm f**ked now" he said, "who'd want a one legged gold digger"? "ME" said Paul McCartney.....
 
3 Old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came right up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.... Then Maude also had a stroke.... But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. Bless her heart!.......
 
O/k o/k try this one then......... :P

The Bishop and the Cowboy


A Mormon Bishop was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Houston, Texas.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Bishop if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."...............................
 
As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied: " Mom, I'm 35 years old, unmarried and this is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone!"

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzzing sound coming
from the other side of his daughter's closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said:
"Dad, I'm 35, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please! Go away and leave me alone!"

A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the groceries on kitchen counter and heard the same buzzing sound coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered the room and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a beer and staring at the television. The v1brator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.


The wife asked: "What the hell are you doing?"



The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."
 
You're going through another of your grumpy phases, aren't you? Hopefully you'll snap out of it when the weather turns for the better.

If you must know, you typed 'chirpodist' and not 'chiropodist' (see the difference now?) and as birdies chirp, I merely made a little joke that perhaps a chirp-odist might be... oh, if you can't take a wee joke, fergeddit.
 
Everyone is prone to mistakes!!! some more than others?? not forgetting that old adage !!Never throw stones in a glass house!!........... :rolleyes: or it will come back to haunt you............... :P ;)
 
Thank you, Merlin - it's actually "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones", though I don't want to be pedantic. :lol: But, what the heck...
 
It's probably fair advice to say that you shouldn't throw stones about in any house (that you own). Assuming they missed the windows and other breakables, they would knacker the vacuum cleaner.
 
A young Scots lad named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £ 100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer arrived he hung his head and said, "The donkey's on the truck, but I have some bad news...he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just gimme my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Gordon said, "Och then, just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

Gordon said, "I'm gonna raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Jes' watch me. I won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £ 698.00."

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £ 2 back plus £ 200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."




Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.
 
The only thing wrong sums wise is believing that you could find 500 people willing to pay £2 for the chance of winning a mangy donkey.
 
Apparently there is something called The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational.
The Washington Post has never published such a thing, but regardless of its
actual provenance, "The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational" once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's (2006) reported winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it, was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit! And the person
who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
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