Jokes

They're all great, though I'd take exception to 'caterpallor' (clever as it is) qualifying. As it's 'caterpillar', that means two letters were changed to make the new word. I'm sorry, I just can't help being a

NITPECKER: someone who pecks away at annoying little things, not to be confused with a

NETPICKER: someone who's clever at finding interesting websites. Like you... ;)
 
With the boom expected in prostitution to coincide with the World cup, one Cologne business girl advertised her special offer:

"Anything you want for €100 as long as you can describe it it no more than three syllables"

A Frenchman was among her first clients. "Mon dieu, a bargain. Three syllables, eh? Suck my toes." The transaction was completed.

Next was an Englishman "Spank my arse." Duly done and the money changed hands.

Then a Scotsman, who must have been out there supporting Trinidad & Tobago, arrived. "Marvellous, fantastic, three syllables. Paint my house."
 
9999 views as I looked at this. How impressive is that? We should publish 'Get Yer Coat: the Bumper Book of TalkingHorses Jokes'.
 
A million years old, but possibly not known to our younger readers:

A woman and her lover are besporting themselves in her bedroom when she hears her husband's car drive up outside, an hour earlier than usual.

"Oh, my God!" she gasps, as her lover tumbles frantically off the bed. "Look, look," she whispers, "here's what we'll do - I'll rub you all over with this body oil, and throw talc all over you." Her terrified lover looks dumbfounded. "What the hell good will THAT do? God, your husband'll kill me!" he wails. "No, no," says the wife, hurriedly oiling and dusting the man, "go stand in that corner over there and pretend you're a statue."

The husband is already raiding the fridge as the lover poses rock still in a corner of the bedroom, while the wife hurries downstairs to greet her husband. Later that night, when they retire to the bedroom, the husband spies the man standing in the corner. "What the hell's that, honey?" he asks. "Oh, that statue? Oh, I picked it up at the antiques market this morning. Betty Barker told me she's got one in her bedroom, and I thought one would look nice in ours, too. Isn't it lifelike?" The husband agrees, reads his book for a while, and then they go to sleep.

Around three in the morning, the husband nips downstairs to the kitchen, returning with milk and cookies to the bedroom. He walks over to the 'statue' and says, "Here you go, buddy. Have these and then go home. I know what it's like, you know - Jeez, I didn't get out of the Barkers' place until 8.00 the next morning."
 
A lawyer married a woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that
be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how,
but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss
him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
Originally posted by Merlin the Magician@Jun 2 2006, 07:29 PM
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Click to expand...
...when he should have been learning to spell.

Anyway, here are two I heard for the first time (honest - I lead a sheltered life) today:





Two snowmen are standing next to each other. One says, "Can you smell carrots?"







Two parrots are standing on a perch. One says, "Can you smell fish?"












(Confiteor Deo ~ I had to have the second one explained to me!)
 
D-O just for your information.......



:o A gynecologist is a doctor that specializes in the administration of health care to women. They are particularly concerned with the reproductive system.
( taken from a Yankee site)NOTE THE SPELLING



Or are you not aware there are a few spellings to this word! This JOKE happens to be from the USA! Similar to the words Color (USA) and Colour(ENGLISH)... I don’t see why you are so paranoid over MY contributions (which are SOMETIMES copied and pasted) to these threads?????? :teeth: :teeth:



I think personally that you should be reprimanded and warned off, for this, as you were warned off by COL the board owner, a few months ago actually, when YOU!! posted 8 or was it 10 threads based on MY ability to smell!!! You were also obviously wasting band width too, or are you always like this??? :rolleyes:



I really think that sites don't need people like you! That would discourage posters because they don’t hold similar qualifications as you!! I'll teach you a lot of things in life if you require teaching i.e. how to drive, how to build a motor, how to make a p-c and work it, anything on the electrical side, gardening, the list is endless I can assure you... I just spoke to someone with regards your post, his reply, "the guys an A-Hole no wonder people won’t post on there".

So this then proves the point I am stating, its actually mirrored by others.....



Get a life is the only thing I can say to you! You’re boring the pants of a lot of members on here with your so called righteousness ……..

Maybe you'll think this as being funny too if you can post what you posted on the Jokes thread??????? :lol: your days of trying to belittle have come to an end!!!!

p.s I have notified COL with regards your post again.......
 
Originally posted by Merlin the Magician@Jun 5 2006, 12:12 PM

based on MY ability to smell!!! You were also obviously wasting band width too, or are you always like this??? :rolleyes:



Click to expand...
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Made my day, truly made my day..... !!
 
I thought the Wizard was supposed to cast spells, not smells...


Now Merlin was ancient, a wondrous old Wizard,
A bit rheumy of eye, and wrinkled of gizzard,
When in town he appeared
The folk laughed and jeered,
And yelled, "Bugger off, crinkly old lizard!"
 
Originally posted by Merlin the Magician@Jun 5 2006, 12:12 PM
D-O just for your information.......



:o A gynecologist is a doctor that specializes in the administration of health care to women. They are particularly concerned with the reproductive system.
( taken from a Yankee site)NOTE THE SPELLING



Or are you not aware there are a few spellings to this word! This JOKE happens to be from the USA! Similar to the words Color (USA) and Colour(ENGLISH)... I don’t see why you are so paranoid over MY contributions (which are SOMETIMES copied and pasted) to these threads?????? :teeth: :teeth:



I think personally that you should be reprimanded and warned off, for this, as you were warned off by COL the board owner, a few months ago actually, when YOU!! posted 8 or was it 10 threads based on MY ability to smell!!! You were also obviously wasting band width too, or are you always like this??? :rolleyes:



I really think that sites don't need people like you! That would discourage posters because they don’t hold similar qualifications as you!! I'll teach you a lot of things in life if you require teaching i.e. how to drive, how to build a motor, how to make a p-c and work it, anything on the electrical side, gardening, the list is endless I can assure you... I just spoke to someone with regards your post, his reply, "the guys an A-Hole no wonder people won’t post on there".

So this then proves the point I am stating, its actually mirrored by others.....



Get a life is the only thing I can say to you! You’re boring the pants of a lot of members on here with your so called righteousness ……..

Maybe you'll think this as being funny too if you can post what you posted on the Jokes thread??????? :lol: your days of trying to belittle have come to an end!!!!

p.s I have notified COL with regards your post again.......
Click to expand...
I don't know.. :rolleyes: ... you try to crack a joke and someone takes it personally.

You won't believe it, Merlin, but I'd have done the same thing to anyone who posted such a mis-spelling (I don't count American spelling as I don't live there). I can only try my best to assure you it wasn't intended to be taken as personally as you have taken it. I can say this with my hand on my heart because if I did want to get personal I reckon you'd have been in no doubt about it ;)

I understood everything else was water under the bridge.

By the way, if you want to call me an A-Hole (whatever that might be) don't be afraid to do it all by yourself instead of rounding up the services of some imaginary friend. In the meantime I'm willing to listen to anyone's ideas on what exactly an A-Hole is.

An armadillo hole?
An American hole?
 
Mick Hucknall has been arrested for trying to have sex with a rabbit.

Apparently he was holding back the ears, cos the bunny was too tight to mention.
 
The FA
25 Soho Square
London W1 4FA

Dear Sir,
Our Head Coach, Mr Sven-G♂ran- Ericsson, has asked me, on the eve of
our departure to Germany for the World Cup Finals, for which we have
qualified, to ask our fellow Home Nations to come to our assistance so
that England may be 100% sure of winning the World Cup.
As you are no doubt aware from the winning of the Rugby World Cup
and the Ashes, England’s success boosts all British nations and we know
how you all enjoyed basking in the reflected glory which bonds our
ancient nations together.
To this end, we request and require that you furnish, forthwith, any
information, which may aid us on our quest. We don’t expect to need it,
you understand, but one never knows.
What we have in mind is tactical appraisals of our opponents, whom you
may have encountered whilst failing to qualify yourselves. Foreign styles
of play, underhand methods of influencing the referee, latin diving,
teutonic bullying, you know the sort of thing. Also, if there is any advice
of the legality of two apparently separate islands in the Carribean forming
a joint enterprise for the express purpose of winning a soccer match. In
the capital here we find it quite extraordinary!
I know well you all take delight in the support of England whenever any
of you manage a shock result and am sure of the same fullsome support
from you chaps in this instance.

You remain, hopefully, our humble servants

Brian Barwick


The Football Association of Wales
11 / 12 Neptune Court,
Vanguard Way,
Cardiff CF24 5PJ
CYMRU

Dear Mr Barwick,
Thank you for your interesting and brilliant letter. As you know we are
your nearest neighbours, and sharing a long border with you, know you
more intimately and therefore love you more intimately than anybody
else. How we enjoyed your Rugby victory! Bonfires were lit in remote
areas all over rural Wales in celebration.
As you no doubt don’t know, all correspondence from Lloedr is translaed
from Saes to Cymraeg in accordance with the Rules of our Association. I
had your brave letter translated and passed it to Dafydd ab
Sylwtlyhatesinglish hew is hedd of our tactical spying unit.
I am sori to haf to tell ewe that there was a coch up in the translation
which meant that Dafydd, completely by accident, got the whole thing
arseways and provided all your opponents with a dossier on your players
instead. In particular, I have to warn you that your manager may be
targeted by dusky beauties who may give him the bends while he goes
diving as it were. Also watch out for Paraguayan grannies in the vacinity
of your only hope.
As ever, if there is anything else we can do for you, do not hesitate to ask.
Twll dîn pob Sais

Mervyn Miseri

FA Ireland
80 Merrion Square
Dublin 2

Ah Brian how’s it going

All the lads here wish ye the very best in the World Cup. Sure don’t ye
know that?
We always want England to do well. There has been too much old guff
about history and bad blood and we should forget about all that. We have
anyhow.
I mean, nowadays who is interested in Pope Adrian (the only English
Pope) blessing the English invasion which took all our lands and divided
it up amongst the English? Who wants to know about Cromwell putting
the women and children of Drogheda and Wexford to the sword; the
Penal Laws that outlawed the one true Catholic faith and the outlawing of
the beloved Gaelic language. The crushing of the brave rebels in 1118,
1250, 1336, 1388 1542, 1612. 1798, 1848, 1916. Sure we have forgotten
all about the Famine, where one million of us were starved to death, skin
and bone with grass stain about our hungry mouths with pestilence rapine
and disease stalking every corner of the land whilst our young men fought
in the front lines of the trenches of your imperial wars.
Having forgotten all that, and the unfinished business in a corner of our
land, we would of course be delighted to support England, and we will.
However, you must be aware of our longstanding emigrant links with
seamus insert name of whoever the bastards are playing and so
therefore, on this one occasion, our loyalties may be somewhat divided.
As a favour Brian: - my daughter is a big Man U fan and could you send
over young Wayne’s birth cert (and his folks) so she can send him a
birthday card?
Yours as ever

Seán Ó Blarney

The Scottish Football
Association
Hampden Park
Glasgow
G42 9AY

Dear Brian,

F*ck off you English c*nts

Hamish McSporran
 
I am assured the following is true (maybe it's been put on here before) but no doubt Lord H will set us straight if it isn't ;)

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland October 1998.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE
15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
.........
......
...

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call
Click to expand...
 
Originally posted by Desert Orchid@Jun 9 2006, 09:30 AM
I am assured the following is true (maybe it's been put on here before) but no doubt Lord H will set us straight if it isn't ;)

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland October 1998.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE
15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
.........
......
...

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Whoever assured you DO was fibbing.
 
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.



Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and

asks, "What's going on?"



"Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and

Jack Straw. They're asking for a £310 million ransom. Otherwise they're

going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to

car, taking up a collection."



The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"



"About a gallon."
 
A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that the there is a spare seat in between himself and the next guy.

"Who would ever miss the World Cup final?" asks the man.

"That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away" explains the guy.

"That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend or someone else to come with you?" asks the man.


"No.....They are all at the funeral!"
 
Originally posted by Desert Orchid@Jun 9 2006, 09:30 AM
I am assured the following is true (maybe it's been put on here before) but no doubt Lord H will set us straight if it isn't ;)

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland October 1998.
Click to expand...
Incorrect use of the word actual - I think it was during the 70s when I first came across this joke. Apart from the version posted you can find: US ship - Canadian lighthouse; Canadian ship - US lighthouse; US ship - British lighthouse (the first version I heard, I think); French ship - British lighthouse - and they are only the ones in the English language. I've no doubt that ther are German/Polish, Norwegian/Swedish etc versions.
 
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