simmo
Senior Jockey
The US ship/Canadian lighthouse one works best for me.
Jokes
- Thread starter Merlin the Magician
- Start date
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my patio , drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.
Nicola from next door was so upset at this that she came over and shouted
"You lazy b***** ! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes
that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your backside and give her a
break!"
I thought "Bo**ocks! ... Women!" and I took a slug from my bottle of
Spitfire, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Raybans,
stared directly at this nosey neighbour, and told her in no
uncertain terms "leave off and mind your own business.
My wife has green fingers , and she really enjoys gardening".
After a few days I felt really bad so I went out and bought her a
ride-on mower to show my sensitive side.
I am so proud of the deal I got.
I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn.
Yes fellas, after all one should take good care of the wife...
that way maybe she'll take good care of you.
I have attached a picture.
watching my wife mow the lawn.
Nicola from next door was so upset at this that she came over and shouted
"You lazy b***** ! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes
that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your backside and give her a
break!"
I thought "Bo**ocks! ... Women!" and I took a slug from my bottle of
Spitfire, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Raybans,
stared directly at this nosey neighbour, and told her in no
uncertain terms "leave off and mind your own business.
My wife has green fingers , and she really enjoys gardening".
After a few days I felt really bad so I went out and bought her a
ride-on mower to show my sensitive side.
I am so proud of the deal I got.
I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn.
Yes fellas, after all one should take good care of the wife...
that way maybe she'll take good care of you.
I have attached a picture.
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
:lol: :lol:
Rules for girlfriends
1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this
will
>keep her on her toes. and girls love that.
>
>2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
(or
>if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she
cries.
>this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)
>
>3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls
are
>like dogs. they love to be roughed up.
>
>4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if
she is
>say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will
show
>her you care.
>
>5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her
>fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and
every
>girl needs some improvement.
>
>6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then
when
>she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because
jewelry
>is for pussies and asian ladies.
>
>7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she
is,
>stare into her eyes mouth the words @#%$ you and grab the other girls
ass.
>Girls love competition.
>
>8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she
thinks
>it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard.
when
>she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're
>really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she
starts
>crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and
whisper
>very quietly into her ear "...because i can."
>
>9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those
special
>nicknames.
>
>10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.
>
>11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket...
then
>you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't
stop
>bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a
black
>eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.
>
>12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the
>bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
>partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at
the
>party.
>
>13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
kick
>the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?
>
>14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10
>minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home
and
>you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.
>
>15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
>
>16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her
self
>confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down
>desires to be.
>
>17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes,
>earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the
pair.
>This way shell go crazy.
>
>18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt
and
>say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that
>speaks for her.
>
>19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a
>spontaneous guy.
>
>20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell
on
>it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm
talking
>about.
>
>21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its
just
>the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop
>crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.
>
>22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
>
>23. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no.
this
>way she'll think you're mysterious.
>
>24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her
material
>objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she
keeps
>you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever
get.
>
>25. when she gives you a present on your birthday, christmas, or just
when
>ever, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know she's
>coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the
present
>visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don't like this one
that
>much but i think it's funny.
>
>26. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will
promise
>her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will
make
>sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going
to
>tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now dont
call.
>
1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this
will
>keep her on her toes. and girls love that.
>
>2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
(or
>if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she
cries.
>this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)
>
>3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls
are
>like dogs. they love to be roughed up.
>
>4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if
she is
>say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will
show
>her you care.
>
>5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her
>fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and
every
>girl needs some improvement.
>
>6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then
when
>she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because
jewelry
>is for pussies and asian ladies.
>
>7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she
is,
>stare into her eyes mouth the words @#%$ you and grab the other girls
ass.
>Girls love competition.
>
>8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she
thinks
>it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard.
when
>she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're
>really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she
starts
>crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and
whisper
>very quietly into her ear "...because i can."
>
>9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those
special
>nicknames.
>
>10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.
>
>11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket...
then
>you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't
stop
>bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a
black
>eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.
>
>12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the
>bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
>partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at
the
>party.
>
>13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
kick
>the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?
>
>14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10
>minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home
and
>you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.
>
>15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
>
>16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her
self
>confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down
>desires to be.
>
>17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes,
>earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the
pair.
>This way shell go crazy.
>
>18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt
and
>say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that
>speaks for her.
>
>19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a
>spontaneous guy.
>
>20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell
on
>it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm
talking
>about.
>
>21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its
just
>the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop
>crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.
>
>22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
>
>23. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no.
this
>way she'll think you're mysterious.
>
>24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her
material
>objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she
keeps
>you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever
get.
>
>25. when she gives you a present on your birthday, christmas, or just
when
>ever, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know she's
>coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the
present
>visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don't like this one
that
>much but i think it's funny.
>
>26. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will
promise
>her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will
make
>sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going
to
>tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now dont
call.
>
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
New Drugs for Women:
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to heck for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to heck for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Welcome to the Land Down Under
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Diminuendo
At the Start
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
K
Kathy
Guest
Sorry if this has been posted already, and apologies if offends anyone :shy:
A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney:
"So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever
go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather".
A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney:
"So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever
go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather".
BrianH
At the Start
The dentist said "I'll have to remove your wisdom tooth - I'll just give you a small injection".
"Please don't come near me with that needle. Ever since I was a boy I have had a pathological fear of needles."
"That's OK, I'll call the anaesthetist in and we'll perform the extraction under gas."
"I can't have gas. My grandfather was gassed in the war and I'm afraid that you won't be able to get that mask anywhere near my face."
"Then we'll use plan C. Just take these ten Viagra tablets."
"Ten Viagra? They won't put me under, will they?"
"No, but you'll have something to hang on to while I yank out that tooth."
"Please don't come near me with that needle. Ever since I was a boy I have had a pathological fear of needles."
"That's OK, I'll call the anaesthetist in and we'll perform the extraction under gas."
"I can't have gas. My grandfather was gassed in the war and I'm afraid that you won't be able to get that mask anywhere near my face."
"Then we'll use plan C. Just take these ten Viagra tablets."
"Ten Viagra? They won't put me under, will they?"
"No, but you'll have something to hang on to while I yank out that tooth."
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
old but still good???? :lol: 
The new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote Post
In the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept
there. "Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250
men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have .ummm.... urges.
That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his
own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the
camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on
it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he
is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the
camel into town where the girls are."
The new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote Post
In the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept
there. "Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250
men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have .ummm.... urges.
That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his
own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the
camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on
it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he
is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the
camel into town where the girls are."
qzy
At the Start
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2005
- Messages
- 805
A man walks into the doctors....
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."
Doc - "What??"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a
sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss,
I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the
salary and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and
puts me down every chance she gets"
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Eat Monster Munch and watch porn"
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."
Doc - "What??"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a
sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss,
I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the
salary and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and
puts me down every chance she gets"
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Eat Monster Munch and watch porn"
BrianH
At the Start
:lol: :lol:
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Classified Ad:….. Husband Wanted
A lonely woman, aged 80, decided that it was time to get married. She
put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you,are
you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in
bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile
and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I???
A lonely woman, aged 80, decided that it was time to get married. She
put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you,are
you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in
bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile
and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I???
Bar the Bull
At the Start
I woke up this morning and there was a man stealing my gate.
I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.
I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Scroll down for answer!
Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Scroll down for answer!
Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
trudij
Senior Jockey
Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied
a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very
large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in
time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white
England shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
heard frantic calling .......
It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht, the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said
to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they): "I will give you a
knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate
Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true
heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other
countries."
She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark
fishing.
How's the bait holding up ?"
a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very
large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in
time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white
England shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
heard frantic calling .......
It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht, the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said
to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they): "I will give you a
knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate
Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true
heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other
countries."
She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark
fishing.
How's the bait holding up ?"