Jokes

Breaking news,



Sophie Ellis Bextor has apparently been found head butted to death in the Paris apartment of a well known French footballer.



Police are saying that it appears to be murder on Zidane’s floor.
 
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives
the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit
drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the
rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round)
gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them
and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A
pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd
is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then
burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit
and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please
barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman
says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of
them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye
and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is
ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you
think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love
it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and
Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer
and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white
form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which
he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent
your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me
famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a
Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was
famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember,
on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had
a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me
that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what
happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties"
 
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."
 
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time. When one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs, she decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The Brunette asked one of the Blondes, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered..."Yeah, but you've got a driver."
 
HE SAID.... SHE SAID............

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'

She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'

Written just below it: 'I do not'

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'

She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said...I would, but you're never there.
 
How many church people does it take to change a light bulb?


Charismatic’s Only one. Hand's already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and one to also provide a casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Methodists: 10 One to change the bulb. Nine to attack the preacher, because someone's grandmother gave that bulb to the church!!

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
 
One day, an adventurous little female brain cell decided to go exploring other intellects, and found herself inside a male brain. She looked around, explored every nook and cranny, but couldn't find any male brain cells. "Helll-oooo..." she called out, slightly worried about the silence all around her. Nothing. "HELLOOO... any brain cells here?" Still nothing. She called a few more times, louder and louder, but still got no reply. She was about to depart, thinking the brain was dead, when she detected a faint, distant voice: "Hi, honey ... we're down HERE... "


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George Dubya was on an official visit to Britain and, as usual, royalty had to make a big show of pomp and circumstance for a visiting head of state. After being driven to London in a magnificent Rolls Royce, he and the Queen began their parade down the Mall in a beautiful coach drawn by the six ceremonial grey horses.

The Queen and George waved to the crowds and were just turning into the gates of Buckingham Palace when the right-hand wheeler let rip with a stunningly noxious fart, the stink of which caused the Queen to cough, and George's eyes to smart. After recovering her composure, the Queen smiled winningly at George, who was wiping his eyes, and said demurely: "I'm so sorry about that, Mr Bush, but I'm sure you realize that there are some things over which even a monarch has no control."

George shrugged his shoulders, and gave a rueful grin.

"Hey, no problem, your Majesty. Y'know, if you hadn't mentioned it, I'd have just figured it was one of the horses."
 
:o still on the church theme.............. it was heard in the valleys last night someone saying lets have MORE-MUN...? ;) its the way I write/tell um!!!?

Church Bulletin Bloopers


Thank God for church secretaries. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:

* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be
speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha
Belch all the way from Africa.

* The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

* 'Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to
get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way
again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors
for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping
and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October
24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in
their school days.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.

* Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and
medication to follow.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the
park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
prepared to sin.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
after the B.S. is done.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7
p.m. Please use the back door.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy

* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up
Yours.'
 
Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor.

The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle !? Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing.

On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"
To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Jeb asked, "Where did it go?",
Wilbur replied.....




















"I forget!"
 
David Beckham runs home early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting like a steam train. Becks asks her suspiciously: "What are you doing?" Posh stutters a reply: "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack!" "Oh no," he cries in despair, "I'll call an ambulance". He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn. "What's the matter, son?" he asks. "Uncle Giggsy 's in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy," sniffles Brooklyn. Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door. Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers. "You idiot Giggsy," screams Becks: "my wife's over there having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the shit out of Brooklyn!"
 
One of my colleagues sent me this the other day :

A man is like a pack of cards.....

you need a heart to love him
a diamond to marry him
a club to bash his head in
and
a spade to bury the bastard!
 
Talking of flying.................

Flight announcements


All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:


1) On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2) On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd
like to have."

3) "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."

4) As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as f*** everything has shifted."

6) From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

7) "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face.
If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small
child, pick your favourite.

8) "Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."

9) "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

10) Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite bumpy and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"

11) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal."

12) An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

13) After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the fire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

14) Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."

15) A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
 
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus, so shut the hell up." .......................
 
We've had the last one a couple of times already, but I do like the Aussie airline jokes. I'm fairly sure I can imagine them happening, too! And how about the plane landing at Dhahran in Saudi Arabia many years ago, when the British stewardess announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have now landed at Dhahran International Airport, where you might like to set your watches back to the 17th Century."
 
Three men-one American, one Japanese and an Irishman-were sitting in a
sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm
and the beeper stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a
microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went
to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman finally
said----

"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
 
Pregnant Blonde


The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy, but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great, tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said............................

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Asda and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
 
A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.
While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with His
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The
elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking
of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted
loudly, turned and walked away. The man never forgot that elephant or the
events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull
elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing,
killing him.

















Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
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