Jokes
- Thread starter Merlin the Magician
- Start date
Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 11-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am," Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am," Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
A
Ardross
Guest
Have we had this one ?
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
Euronymous
Senior Jockey
BrianH
At the Start
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter
spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door
closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport.
as it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the
knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the
blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these
days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all gonna f *ckin' die."
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter
spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door
closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport.
as it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the
knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the
blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these
days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all gonna f *ckin' die."
For golfers, you will understand; for non-golfers, this may explain the
odd language we sometimes use.......
Bunker play
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
An Eva Braun - Picked up in the bunker
Ball striking
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Russell Grant - a fat iron
A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise not bad at all
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner
A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good
runner
Putting
A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
odd language we sometimes use.......
Bunker play
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
An Eva Braun - Picked up in the bunker
Ball striking
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Russell Grant - a fat iron
A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise not bad at all
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner
A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good
runner
Putting
A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
Colin Phillips
At the Start
Shouldn't there be another "any" in there? 
Desert Orchid
Senior Jockey
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2005
- Messages
- 25,014
A golfing-mad couple are spending their silver wedding anniversary playing the various courses on the Costa del Sol. On their last day, walking from the 17th green, the man turns to his wife and says, "Can I tell you something?"
"Of course," she replies.
"Well, do you remember when the kids were young and we had that swedish au pair for a couple of years?"
"Yes..."
"Well, while you were away on business and the kids were in nursery, she and I were going at it like rabbits. I've always felt guilty about it and since we've had such a wonderful week and I really want to spend the rest of my life with you, I felt I needed to get it out into the open. I'll understand if this ruins your week and if you want to divorce me but I really really love you and don't want to lose you."
"I forgive you," she says. "I was away a lot and the kids weren't easy and you must have been needing some TLC, so I do understand."
"God, I love you so much," he said as they kissed at the 18th tee.
At the end of the hole, they were walking towards the clubhouse when she said, "Can I tell you something?"
"Of course, darling."
"Well before I met you, I was a man. I was never comfortable in my man's skin so I had a sex change. I've felt guilty about not telling you in case I lost you because I love you so much. Can you forgive me?"
"WHAT???!!! You f*cking, lying, deceitful, conniving, f*cking bitch! I can't believe it! After all these years! Jeeezz!! I don't how the f*ck you could do that to me! I want a divorce"
"But I forgave you for your affair with the au pair..."
"That was nothing!! For 25 years you've been playing off the f*cking women's tee!!
"Of course," she replies.
"Well, do you remember when the kids were young and we had that swedish au pair for a couple of years?"
"Yes..."
"Well, while you were away on business and the kids were in nursery, she and I were going at it like rabbits. I've always felt guilty about it and since we've had such a wonderful week and I really want to spend the rest of my life with you, I felt I needed to get it out into the open. I'll understand if this ruins your week and if you want to divorce me but I really really love you and don't want to lose you."
"I forgive you," she says. "I was away a lot and the kids weren't easy and you must have been needing some TLC, so I do understand."
"God, I love you so much," he said as they kissed at the 18th tee.
At the end of the hole, they were walking towards the clubhouse when she said, "Can I tell you something?"
"Of course, darling."
"Well before I met you, I was a man. I was never comfortable in my man's skin so I had a sex change. I've felt guilty about not telling you in case I lost you because I love you so much. Can you forgive me?"
"WHAT???!!! You f*cking, lying, deceitful, conniving, f*cking bitch! I can't believe it! After all these years! Jeeezz!! I don't how the f*ck you could do that to me! I want a divorce"
"But I forgave you for your affair with the au pair..."
"That was nothing!! For 25 years you've been playing off the f*cking women's tee!!
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Dear Billy Joe Bob,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favourite Aunt
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favourite Aunt
Colin Phillips
At the Start
"Where would you like it, Colin?"
ANYwhere you want to put it, Jon! :shy:
ANYwhere you want to put it, Jon! :shy:
Seem to remember Luke Harvey riding a horse called Country Member and a commentator who shall be nameless who said "And here's Country Member, and I don't mean the horse" [/b][/quote]
Oh dear. poor Luke! Some of you do seem to have it in for him... He's actually very funny and damn good company. And he ran a damn fine pub, wish he still had it
OK here's some Polish jokes - in fact the Poles tell these aobut the Russians and the Russians tell them about the Poles ;^)
Q How do you tell if the street girl is Polish?
A by the dandruff on her shoes
Q How do you tell if a Polish woman is using a vibrator
A By the chips on her teeth
A man goes to a brothel but all the women are busy so he's given a blow-up doll. After only three minutes he comes out of the room. 'How was it?' asks the madam. "I don't know - I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the wndow!'
Q How do you tell if the street girl is Polish?
A by the dandruff on her shoes
Q How do you tell if a Polish woman is using a vibrator
A By the chips on her teeth
A man goes to a brothel but all the women are busy so he's given a blow-up doll. After only three minutes he comes out of the room. 'How was it?' asks the madam. "I don't know - I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the wndow!'
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
:lol: Seriously now... I bought a blow up doll last year, cost me £25-37p I had it a few nights and decided to take it back and complain to the shopkeeper...
I went into the shop with this doll draped across my left arm, the shopkeeper said can I help you sir? yes I said I bought this!! 3 days ago and I have brought it back and would like to complain.
What's a matter Sir? It keeps going down on me, how much did you pay for it Sir £25-37p, just a minute I'LL speak to the manager, out comes the manager he said to me, I am awfully sorry Sir! But there seems to be a slight mistake, you have been given the deluxe model and you owe us another £4-50p more...............
:lol:
I went into the shop with this doll draped across my left arm, the shopkeeper said can I help you sir? yes I said I bought this!! 3 days ago and I have brought it back and would like to complain.
What's a matter Sir? It keeps going down on me, how much did you pay for it Sir £25-37p, just a minute I'LL speak to the manager, out comes the manager he said to me, I am awfully sorry Sir! But there seems to be a slight mistake, you have been given the deluxe model and you owe us another £4-50p more...............
:lol:He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you've succeeded.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
She said - Well, you've succeeded.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Here's another appalling racially-stereotypical joke involving Irishmen, suitable for the under-12s.
Paddy and Mick go into a pet shop and buy two budgerigars. They drive out to a local clifftop, where Mick holds a bird in each hand, gives Paddy a knowing wink, and jumps off the cliffs. He sails into mid-air for a few seconds before hurtling down onto the beach below, where he's well mashed.
"Oh, shoite," cries Paddy, aghast. "That's the last time we'll try that!"
A few weeks later, Paddy's back at the cliffs with Sean. Sean is armed with a parrot and a shotgun. With Paddy's encouragement, he approaches the cliff edge, hurls the parrot over it, then takes a flyer at it himself, blasting away at the parrot on the way down to the beach below, where he, too, is well mashed.
"Aw, no, no!" Paddy bawls, aghast again. "What a mess! That'll be the last time I help poor Sean with that."
A couple of months later, Paddy's back up at the cliffs, this time alone. He is clutching a fat chicken in his hands, and takes a running jump off the cliff. The chicken flies squawking out of his hands, airborne for the first time in her life, while Paddy crashes into the seaweed and foam below. He's fairly battered, but manages to swim to the shore, where an astounded lifeguard rushes to help him.
"That's it! That's it!" bellows a furious Paddy, spitting out sand. "I've had it with all dem stupid sports! Me mates are in the hospital after the budgie-jumping and the parrotshooting, and that's me done with the hengliding!"
Paddy and Mick go into a pet shop and buy two budgerigars. They drive out to a local clifftop, where Mick holds a bird in each hand, gives Paddy a knowing wink, and jumps off the cliffs. He sails into mid-air for a few seconds before hurtling down onto the beach below, where he's well mashed.
"Oh, shoite," cries Paddy, aghast. "That's the last time we'll try that!"
A few weeks later, Paddy's back at the cliffs with Sean. Sean is armed with a parrot and a shotgun. With Paddy's encouragement, he approaches the cliff edge, hurls the parrot over it, then takes a flyer at it himself, blasting away at the parrot on the way down to the beach below, where he, too, is well mashed.
"Aw, no, no!" Paddy bawls, aghast again. "What a mess! That'll be the last time I help poor Sean with that."
A couple of months later, Paddy's back up at the cliffs, this time alone. He is clutching a fat chicken in his hands, and takes a running jump off the cliff. The chicken flies squawking out of his hands, airborne for the first time in her life, while Paddy crashes into the seaweed and foam below. He's fairly battered, but manages to swim to the shore, where an astounded lifeguard rushes to help him.
"That's it! That's it!" bellows a furious Paddy, spitting out sand. "I've had it with all dem stupid sports! Me mates are in the hospital after the budgie-jumping and the parrotshooting, and that's me done with the hengliding!"
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!?"
A little voice came out of the box....
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!?"
A little voice came out of the box....
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
totally packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a bottom shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and
asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says:............................................................
(scroll down)
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf".
They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
totally packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a bottom shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and
asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says:............................................................
(scroll down)
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf".