Jokes

I came home and the air was full of the scent of Mimosa Pour Moi. She came to greet me dressed only in the flimsiest negligée.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So I tied her up and went down the club to play poker.
 
I received this today from a friend in Denver. It's very un-PC but it made me chuckle:

The mayor of Houston Texas was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Houston. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Houston was full of pigeon poop. The people of Houston couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a red pigeon. The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Texas sky. All the pigeons in Houston saw the red pigeon. They gathered up behind the red pigeon. The Houston pigeons followed the red pigeon as she flew eastward out of the city.

The next day the red pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the red pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Houston of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented
him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have any red Mexicans?"
 
GIRL'S DIARY

SUNDAY

Saw John yesterday evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I
thought that it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself. He hardly laughed, and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, like
he was in his own little world. I just knew that something was wrong. He
dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He
hesitated, but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook
his head forlornly and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of
silence, I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him
and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of
smile. He didn't follow me up however much later he did join me and I was
surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I
started to think that he was going to leave me.... that he had found someone
else. I cried myself to sleep.






BOY'S DIARY


SUNDAY


Ireland lost to Spain on penalties. Still got a ride though.
 
In these days of world conflict and disasters it is easy to forget to acknowledge the people who created things that changed the world for the good.

With this in mind I would like to remind you of the recent death of Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the 'Hokey Kokey' who died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started............................. :lol: :lol:
 
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
the moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.
 
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
 
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "
"First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job
 
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
 
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
 
THE COOPERS.

the only way to pull off a sunday afternoon quickie
with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony with a lollipop and
tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents started
making love.
a car is being towed from the parking lot he shouted.
moments later an ambulance has just gone by.
matts riding a new bike,jason is on his skateboard.
moments later looks like the sanders are moving.
2 minutes later he says the coopers are having sex.
how do you know that says his dad from the bedroom.
well he says
jimmy cooper is standing on his balcony with
a lollipop :o
 
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked

"Is that one word or two?"
 
Two blokes are sitting in the pub one day, bored. The fruit machine is broken, the dartboard is in use - there is no entertainment on hand at all. So, with nothing better to do they decide to go and dig up Mozarts grave. Tools in hand, they arrive and succeed in finding, exuming and finally opening the musicians coffin. They are bemused to see that Mozarts corpse is in there, happily Tipp-exing over all his manuscripts. "Mozart what the hell are you doing?", they ask, looking down in wonderment, Mozart replies "Im decomposing ! "
 
Could someone pop round to Tetley's and just chuck - er, check - up on him? I think he might've overdone the Norris dancing.
 
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around
at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it
for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
 
Reminds me of the couple who were hard at it when their son walked into the bedroom. Embarrassed, they told him they'd buy him a new watch if he didn't tell anyone. Next day at school, the boy's pal noticed the watch and pestered him to tell him how he got it and eventually the boy gave in.

Next night, the pal's parents were hard at it when he walked into the room.

"What are you doing in here?" they asked.

"I wanna watch!"

"You wanna watch? So pull up a chair!"
 
Tony Blair is making yet another touchy-feely, all-smiling visit, this time to a new hospital in Edinburgh. A young doctor shows Tone and his entourage into a sparkling, bright ward. Tony notices that none of the patients look particularly ill, since many are walking about, talking earnestly. The doctor calls one over, and introduces him to the PM, who shakes his hand. The patient looks confidently into the PM's eyes and announces: "Fair fa yer honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the puddin race! Aboon them a ye take yer place - painch, tripe or thairm, as lang's my airm!"

Blair smiles earnestly, thanks the man for his time, and is moved to another patient by the doctor, who beseeches the PM thus: "Some hae meat an canna eat, and some wud eat that want it - but we hae meat an we CAN eat, so let the Lord be thankit!"

Thoroughly bemused, but still smiling earnestly and nodding to all the patients, Blair is nearly out the door when a third patient tugs at his arm and whispers, "Wee sleekit, cowerin', tim'rous beastie! O! The panic in they breasty - tho' ye need na start awa' sae hastie, wi bickering brattle... "

Blair laughs nervously and hastens out of the door with the doctor. "Erm, I suppose that was the new psychiatric facility, was it?" he asks, once they're clear of the prating patients.

"Och, no, Prime Minister," replies the young doctor, with an affronted air. "That was our serious Burns unit."

(I know, old as the Maid of Lammermuir, but perhaps someone has nae heard it afore!)
 
These are actual insurance-form statements from drivers explaining the cause of their accident:

*I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cow.
*The direct cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
*Coming home, I drove in to the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
*The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intentions.
* I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
*A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
*A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed off the embankment.
* In an attempt to kill a fly I hit a telephone pole.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up and obscured my view, and I did not see the other car.
*I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble, when my Universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
*As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no STOP sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
*To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck a pedestrian.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
* An invisible car came from nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
* I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat found that I had fractured my skull.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side so I hit him.
* I was driving along the highway, when a sad-faced old man stared through my windscreen and slid off the bonnet.
 
Huh - the other week I nearly was able to add an even more unbelievable one...

Over the past year, we've laid a new farm track (known as the Poleshill Super Highway) to provide an alternative exit to the south of the farm - it's probably about 1/2 mile in distance. Because one of my mates drives for Tarmac, we often get returned loads of the stuff that isn't used up or was booked before needed and not cancelled, so the drivers often want somewhere to tip - and our new track is just the job! So from the far end of the track, it's starting to look quite smart..

So I'm in my truck one morning, parked in the yard and just about to head out up the lane which is where all non-farm traffic enter/exit the farm. I'm using my Bluetooth, making one of those fraught calls to Scarvagh Stud (this was before they coughed up), getting pretty shirty with the guy on the other end of the phone. So I slam into reverse to leave, looking at my wing mirrors - luckily - and see a fecking police car pulling up right behind my vehicle, arriving through the farmyard via said PSH! I miss backing into him by inches and am still, of course, in the middle of haranguing the guy from Scarvagh about non-payment.

The policeman is looking somewhat alarmed, so I finish the call and ask him what he's doing there. Politely of course. It seems he was passing the other end of PSH and thought he'd just see where it went...

Not really a problem - other than the bridge over the river is decidely unsafe as there are no side rails any more - but I did think about just what would have happened if we'd actually connected and how that one would have been explained away to my insurance company!
 
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