Jokes

Excellent, Jules! I'd have liked it even more if he'd carried on a bit and taken on the 'bridge' - what Julie means is about four well-holed and decidedly wobbly sleepers about 10 ft above a fast-running stream. I'd have laughed all day at the thought of one of Zummerzet's finest hearing that dreaded 'crack!' before nosediving into the drink! And let him explain that one to his superiors!
 
Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."

"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"

"Of course" says the first.

The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"

"absolutely"

"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"

"ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"
 
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts; I think I'll go and see my Doctor!"

His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that. There's a new computer at Boots that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than your doctor. All you do is put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do."

Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with hisurine, went to Boots where he found the computer and deposited his sample. The computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash. After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read:

YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR ANHOUR. AVOID HEAVY WORK. YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was and
how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to try. He mixed together some tap water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and, at the last minute, masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to Boots, deposited the sample and paid his money. The computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash. After a brief pause, out popped a slightly larger piece of paper which read:

YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTENER. THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE
F**KED, GET IT TO A GARAGE. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET. YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANTWITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER....AND IF YOU DON'T STOP W**KING, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
 
An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.

However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both.

Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the therapist;

"Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.


Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:






"THAT'S how you wave a f***ing towel, son!!"
 
A mortician was about to prepare a middle-aged man - Mr. Porter - for cremation, when he couldn't help but notice the deceased had an inordinately huge private part. "Good grief," he mused, "that's got to be a record-maker. It's so fantastic, it's a shame to send that to the hereafter. I've got to show it to some of the guys tomorrow." He apologised to the corpse, skilfully removed the enormous member, wrapped it in Clingfilm, and put it away into his holdall. "I'll take it home first and show it to Alice," he thought, figuring his wife would appreciate the sight of something so magnificent. He was glad he hadn't married a squeamish woman. So, he finished preparing Mr. Porter for his ceremony the next day, turned off the lights, and went home.

After supper, he decided to share with his wife the amazing sight. "Say, Alice, I thought I'd bring something home before I show it to the guys at the mortuary tomorrow. It's amazing. Check this out." With that, he produced the huge, wrapped member.

"Oh, my God - Porter's dead!" screamed his wife.
 
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a Londondepartment store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
 
Not content with his 'tumble Dwyer' pun, my colleague wonders if Martin went to ride in Germany, would he be called 'Herr Dwyer'?

Sorry, they're not mine...
 
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into
Asda Store with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance (you know the type?).

The Asda Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"


The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no
they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"


"No", replies the greeter,

"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
 
Official Announcement:


The Labour Party today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Rose to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.


A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.


Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."
 
Attn: Entrepreneurs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
 
The children filed in for lunch at their Catholic school. On the long dining table was a large pile of apples, near which was a sign written by the Mother Superior: "Take only ONE apple. God is watching."

At the far end of the table, was a big plate of freshly-baked cookies. Next to it was a sign scrawled by one of the children: "Take what you want. God's watching the apples."
 
Three guys were talking in a bar. Two of them talked about the control they had in their marriages, while the third remained quite. After a while the first two turned to the third and said, "What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow said, "Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The two guys were amazed, "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a swallow of his beer, sighed and answered, "She said, 'Get out from under that bed and fight like a man."
 
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year-old little brother."

The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."
 
Reminds me of the old one...

(I´ve told it before but it might be worth repeating)

A young chap starts a new job in a general store. The boss tells the inexperienced salesman that the true test of a salesman is whther he can get the customer to buy something they didn´t really want. "Watch me," he boasts. "I´m an expert."

A guy comes in and asks for a box of grass seed. The boss says, "Can I interest you in a lawn mower?"

"Why would I need a lawn mower? I´m only here for a box of grass seed."

"Well," says the boss, "this isn´t any grass seed. This is the finest quality, fast growing seed and in a fortnight the grass will be up to your Knees. We have these lawn mowers on special offer right now, 33% off, and you won´t find a better bargain anywhere."

"OK," says the customer, "I´ll take a lawn mower too."

The boss turns to the new guy and says, "See? He came in for a 2.99 box of grass seed and went away with a 199.00 lawn mower."

"I see," says the new guy.

Another customer comes in and the boss tells the new guy to try the tactic on him.

"Can I have a packet of tampons for my wife?"

"Certainly, sir," says the young fellow. "Can I interest you in a lawn mower?"

...


...

"Why on earth would I need a lawn mower?" asks the customer.

"Well," replies the salesman, "your weekend´s f*cked. You might as well cut the grass!"
 
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red.
He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!"
 
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