Jokes

This isn't a 'joke', as such, but an item that arose during 'QI' last night, with Stephen Fry adopting a suitably Teutonic accent for the account:

Apparently, a German seeing-eye dog (and yes, it IS a German Shepherd) has managed to cause the deaths of his four owners. In one case, he walked his user off the end of a pier, in another, onto some railway tracks where he was belted by a train, a third he walked into a river, and the fourth one he escorted into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and making his own run to safety.

When asked whether they would be retiring the hound from service into something less risky for his handlers, or at least warning his next owner about his lapses of concentration, the German spokesman for the organisation said, "Oh, no! That would make his new owner very nervous, and then that would make the dog very nervous, and he wouldn't be able to do his job." :confused:

And the name of this careless canine? Yup, it's... Lucky!
 
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands
warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend
who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Here, put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up." He was surprised but did and
warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."The girl replied "then put it
between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my penis is frozen
solid."

The follow ing day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost,
don't they?"
 
Johnnie turned 70 and went to have a check-up at his doctor's. A month or so later, his doctor spied him walking jauntily down the main street with a busty beauty giggling alongside him. "Hallo, Johnny," he said, "and how are you, er, doing?"

Johnny told the doctor he was doing wonderfully well since he took the doctor's advice. "You took my advice?" asked the doctor, raising an eyebrow in the direction of the giggling girl.

"Why yes, sir," replied Johnny. "You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful. And look at me now!"

The doctor looked dismayed. "No, no, I didn't Johnny. What I said was -" and here he raised his voice - "you've got a heart murmur, and be careful!"
 
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
 
Sister Theresa to Sister Constantine, during a power cut:

"Oh, Sister Constantine: where did you put the candle?"

"Oh, dear Lord, Sister Theresa! And you would want it now!"
 
Searching Questions for Today:

If Man evolved from the apes, how come they're still around?

What if there are no hypothetical questions?

Can an atheist get insurance against Acts of God?
 
A muslim saleswoman knocked at my door last night.

I never answered....I talked to her through the letter box to see how she ******* liked it!!!
 
The SAS, The Paras and The Police

If you go down in the woods tonight...

The SAS, the Paras and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced double-tap. They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, still holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises with one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f#ckin' rabbit!"
 
:lol: :lol: Cute!

Three little ducks waddle into a bar, and hop up onto the barstools. "Hey, there, nice to see you," says the barman. Addressing the little duck on his left, he says, "I like to get to know my new customers, sir. My name is Jack, I'll be your server tonight. Might I know your name, too, sir? And how was your day?"

The little duck on the left says, "Well, my name's Huey, and I've had one helluva day, thanks for asking. In and out of puddles all afternoon - who could ask for more fun than that?"

The barman goes through the same routine with the little duck in the middle, who tells him his name is Dewey and he's had a fantastic day, too, in and out of puddles for hours. The barman is setting up their Harvey Wallbangers and laughs to the third little duck, "Say, lemme guess, now - I bet your name is Louie, right?"

The third little duck smiles back at the barman and says, "Hell, no, Jack, it sure is not. My name's Puddles."
 
ITALIAN BOY AT CONFESSION

>>"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
>>
>>
>>
>>The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Yes, Father it is."
>>
>>
>>
>>"And who was the woman you were with?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
>>
>>
>>
>>"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so
>>
>>
>>
>>you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"I cannot say."
>>
>>
>>
>>"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"I'll never tell."
>>
>>
>>
>>"Was it Nina Capeli?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."
>>
>>
>>
>>"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"My lips are sealed."
>>
>>
>>
>>"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
>>
>>
>>
>>The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped,
>>
>>
>>
>>Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
>>
>>
>>
>>You cannot attend church services for 4 months.
>>
>>
>>
>>Now you go and behave yourself."
>>
>>
>>
>>Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
>>
>>
>>
>>whispers, "What'd you get?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
 
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.
Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
 
>A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
>problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one
>thing."
>
>What do they say?" the priest inquired .
>
>
>They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
>
>
>"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
>
>
>You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
>male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
>Bring
>your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
>Frank
>and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and
>your
>parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
>
>
>"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
>
>The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
>As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
>their
>cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
>placed
>her parrots in with them.
>
>
>After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
>hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
>
>There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
>the other male parrot and exclaimed,
>
>
>"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered."
 
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower
> > and slipped over on
> > the
> > > bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards
> > or backwards, she
> > slipped,
> > > did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
> > > She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce,
> > Bruce" she yelled.
> > > Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody
> > suctioned myself to the
> > floor"
> > > she said.
> > > "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
> > "You're stuck fast
> > girl. I'll
> > > go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They
> > came back and they
> > both
> > > tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it"
> > > Cobba said "Lets try Plan B."
> > > "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
> > > "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we
> > can break the tiles
> > under
> > > her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba
> > > "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll
> > stay here and play
> > with
> > > her tits."
> > > "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a
> > good time for that
> > mate?"
> > > "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her
> > wet enough, we can
> > > slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't
> > so expensive".
 
Tom had been in the liquor business 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a
week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet somelocal folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom.. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter . Just gonna be the two of us..........
 
Van Gogh's Family Tree
_________________________

His dizzy aunt -- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N. Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle -- Where Diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -- A. Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wells Far Gogh

The constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh

The b allroom dancing aunt -- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin -- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way To Gogh

The little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh

....And there ya Gogh!
 
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