Jokes

A traffic warden approached a man parking his car."You can't park there, that's a disabled bay"

He said "But I am disabled"

The warden replied "Really, what with?"

"Fucking Tourettes you cvnt," replied the man. "Now piss off."
 
Todays News

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet. The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he uses the airplane's new prototype women's loo.
But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.

The man's curiousity got the best of him and he started pressing the buttons.

When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all
over his entire bottom. He thought, wow!

Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought
this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.

This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn't resist the last button marked ATR.

When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse. "What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I was in the new ladies' room on a plane."

"Yes," replied the nurse, "apparently you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for
AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow."
 
The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me **** you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me **** you for a million dollars?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would."
Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me **** you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
 
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:



BUMP...




BUMP...! ! ! ! !




BUMP...







Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...






BUMP...







BUMP...






BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping










clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...





on his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the

casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he ! ! throws the cough syrup at the casket...



















and,

















(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)




























The coffin stops!
 
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS JUST DON'T SAY

My tyre was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tyre...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
----------------------------------------

Heard your wife left you,

how upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

---------------------------------------------

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

-----------------------------------------

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

---------------------------------------------

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

------------------------------------

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you

I've changed my mind.

--------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

-----------------------------------------------------

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

----------------------------------------------
Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

-------------------------------------------------

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
and Parts of DEVON

--------------------------------
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

------------------------------------------
When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

------------------------------------------------

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?



-------------------------------------------------
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

-----------------------------------------------

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

-----------------------------------------------

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

_____________________________

Better to be left on the shelf than be in the wrong cupboard!!!
:D
 
This isn't a joke as such but I enjoyed it. I visited a friend this week who I haven't seen since we were teenage tearaway riders, back in the early 1960s. Once we'd nattered our way through years of recollection, we went to her 9 y.o. granddaughter's school and picked up her and her 9 y.o. chumette, Rose. The girls were delightful, very bright and charming. They entertained us with a dance routine they're learning for the school Christmas festivities, and then went off to return later with Christmas cards for me, which they'd just made.

Now, clearly my chum and I are of grandmother years, rather than Mum years, and after engaging the little dears with what I thought were interesting tales of places far and near, I was pleased to see Rose, in particular, paying me rapt attention. I smiled indulgently at her, as she looked intently at me, and then asked, "What happened to your eyebrows?" :brows:
 
Who is she or he?

I had to explain that as we get old, our eyebrows go grey, or in my case, parts of them go grey! Nothing like youngsters for asking searching questions... I'm at the dye bottle today.
 
:lol:

There are a pack of cards ( sorry - thats DREADFUL english - even by my standards!!!) in one of the catalogues Ive been sent that ave things like "your baby is really ugly" on the front, and things like "Im glad youre getting divorced - I never liked him"

:lol:
 
An Englishmans first winter in Scotland
DEC 20TH
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and coveringthe ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush that bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th
More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f******g deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th
F****** b******d white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box the little c***s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough. I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b******d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f*****g" Schumacher and buries the f******g driveway again.

JAN 17th
16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick. Can' t move my f*****g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*****g snow forecast.

F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON
 
Back
Top