Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
Good stuff Arkers!! :lol: :lol:
Jokes
- Thread starter Merlin the Magician
- Start date
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
:lol: :lol: ARKERS
Desert Orchid
Senior Jockey
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2005
- Messages
- 25,014
I suspect it's borrowed from somewhere in America. It really doesn't snow like that here although we had a couple of inches of it on Saturday evening.
simmo
Senior Jockey
Sounds like my mum's house. Although they have hurricane lamps and an open fire for such events.
BrianH
At the Start
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," the husband sighs, "She's an ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up ten years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," the husband sighs, "She's an ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up ten years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Arkwright
Journeyman
- Joined
- May 23, 2003
- Messages
- 1,588
An Englishman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking
around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Englishman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he
rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young
maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach
ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Englishman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought
the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear: "Would you
mind taking the dog for a walk".
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking
around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Englishman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he
rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young
maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach
ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Englishman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought
the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear: "Would you
mind taking the dog for a walk".
Lee Chater
At the Start
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Messages
- 366
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
!! Distorted Language!!
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
.
Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
.
Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done
Lee Chater
At the Start
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Messages
- 366
Top 17 Country Songs
17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number One Country Song ---
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With
A Few
17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number One Country Song ---
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With
A Few
Desert Orchid
Senior Jockey
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2005
- Messages
- 25,014
:lol:
Lee Chater
At the Start
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Messages
- 366
Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”
trudij
Senior Jockey
:lol:
Lee Chater
At the Start
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Messages
- 366
There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".
"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Lee Chater
At the Start
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Messages
- 366
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, " and I've just buried him." The neighbour commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your f...ing cat."
Heard this morning by one of my Lingfield colleagues via Classic FM (and suitable for the ankle-biters):
A pirate visits the ship's surgeon, complaining of really bad dandruff. The doctor takes a look at his scalp and says, "Gosh, there are a lot of really big white flakes here, with some sort of gooey stuff. Hmmm... yes... I can see the problem now. You've got a bounty on your head."
A middle-aged woman visits her doctor, complaining of poor hearing. The doctor checks her right ear, and finds it's full of custard. Then he checks her left ear, which is full of jelly and fruit. "That's your problem, I'm afraid," he says, "you're a trifle deaf."
A schoolboy is sent to see the school nurse, as lettuce starts falling out of his nose. "I'm afraid there's a lot more to come," she says, "because this is just the tip of the Iceberg... "
A pirate visits the ship's surgeon, complaining of really bad dandruff. The doctor takes a look at his scalp and says, "Gosh, there are a lot of really big white flakes here, with some sort of gooey stuff. Hmmm... yes... I can see the problem now. You've got a bounty on your head."
A middle-aged woman visits her doctor, complaining of poor hearing. The doctor checks her right ear, and finds it's full of custard. Then he checks her left ear, which is full of jelly and fruit. "That's your problem, I'm afraid," he says, "you're a trifle deaf."
A schoolboy is sent to see the school nurse, as lettuce starts falling out of his nose. "I'm afraid there's a lot more to come," she says, "because this is just the tip of the Iceberg... "
trudij
Senior Jockey
and you lot sent me for my coat.......
trudij
Senior Jockey
hopefully it will stay that way!!!! 
Lee Chater
At the Start
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Messages
- 366
Out of the mouth of babes !
When I was in my teens, I was walking along Skipsea beach with a date and she shook her head when she looked at the cliffs and said " amazing to think that is how thick the earth's crust is "
Nowt as funny as real life :lol:
When I was in my teens, I was walking along Skipsea beach with a date and she shook her head when she looked at the cliffs and said " amazing to think that is how thick the earth's crust is "
Nowt as funny as real life :lol:
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
NUTRITION 
= GREEDY BASTARDS 
...............
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts,
Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You
want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have
one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size
12 to size 14. So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan
presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man
and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which
to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns,
butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its
own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof. Then God brought
forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and
good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and
sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats
adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote
control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and
Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing
stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p
double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man
replied "Yes, And super size 'em".
And Satan said "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final
word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you???
= GREEDY BASTARDS ...............In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts,
Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You
want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have
one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size
12 to size 14. So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan
presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man
and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which
to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns,
butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its
own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof. Then God brought
forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and
good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and
sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats
adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote
control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and
Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing
stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p
double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man
replied "Yes, And super size 'em".
And Satan said "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final
word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you???
Lee Chater
At the Start
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Messages
- 366
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive".
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
£ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found £110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £10.00, not £110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive".
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
£ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found £110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £10.00, not £110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
qzy
At the Start
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2005
- Messages
- 805
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"