Jokes

Rogue Traders have been following a crook plumber in my local town for the ast three weeks for the new series of the show. Whist filming they caught him in a park having sex with a dog. The footage was handed over to the police for prosecution but i am told there is a loophole in the law. The plumber is CORGI registered!
 
Its old!!............sort of? its Irish, but its fecking good........... :lol: sorry to those !!If it offends................ ;)

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem. "

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take
four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, " says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place. " He takes two birds out of the box, puts one
on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
Says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"



THERE'S MORE. . .


Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
Carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis, " Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box
and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.


Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either! "




IT IS NOT OVER YET. . .


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of
which he pulls a chicken.


Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.


Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . and now Sean and his
Fook'n hengliding! "
 
JON sorry, its jest!!! THE WAY I TELLUM.............its well put together though you cant knock that can you???
I actually had it sent from OZ with all the little people attached too ... but unfortunately I could not show these.................... ;)
 
I'm not sure if you put up that joke last year, Merls, but I remember repeating it, with all the actions, to my colleagues at Lingfield. By the time I'd finished, they were rustling in their bags for their sandwiches and putting the kettle on. Some folks just don't appreciate shaggy dog stories, it seems.
 
:o Its getting like the BBC on here with all these repeats?????? :lol:

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tamp0n Remover. Your pen1s is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN do we??????????? :P
 
An elderly American couple came home after celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in style. As they got ready for bed, the husband looked at his wife and said, "You know, honey, it isn't going to make a darn bit of difference to us now after all this time, but - ah, what the hell - have you ever been just a little bit unfaithful to me? Ever?"

His wife looked a little shocked, and sat on the bed. "Well, I guess you're right about it not making any difference now, Clarence, so I may as well tell you. Yes, I'm sorry, but I was a little unfaithful to you. But just three times."

Now it's the turn of the husband to look shocked. "Three times? Wow! I was thinking... oh, well, as I said, it doesn't mean anything now. But, ah, who with, darling? Anyone I know?"

"Well," says the wife, looking into the distance, "the first time was when we were in all that debt and you couldn't get a loan. Didn't you wonder why the bank manager came in person to tell you we got one? No? Oh, well, that was the first."

"I see," replied the husband, folding his trousers away neatly. "I'm so sorry you had to do that, but it really saved our bacon, thank God. And the second?"

"Now, the second time was a few years later when you had that bad heart problem. You know, when we couldn't get the emergency surgery for you? Remember how that specialist came in from Chicago just to do it? Well, that was the second."

The husband kissed his wife on the cheek. "And you know what, my sweet, I love you even more now, knowing that you would do such a thing for me. That was a wonderful gesture, thank you, thank you!"

"And before you ask," the wife continued, "the third time was when you ran for Mayor and needed just another 50 votes to win... "

----------------------------------------------------------------------

After the Papal blessing for business representatives, the Nescafe representative whispered to the Pope, "Your Holiness, could I speak privately with you on a very important matter, please?" The Pope agreed, and the two sat down later in a gilded ante-room to talk.

"Your Holiness," said the rep, "it's like this. Nescafe is willing to donate to the Church the sum of £100,000,000 if you will just change the wording of the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee' and serve Nescafe after Mass." The Pope looks appalled, and explains that there's no way the Church will tamper with the beauty and eloquence of holy prayer.

The rep is undismayed, and implores the Pope again: "I'm sorry, your Holiness. Our illustrious company meant no disrespect, but it's not as if we're asking you to change whole sections of the Bible. It's just one little word - one teeny little word, and using Nescafe after Mass, that's all. Look, we're willing to go to £300,000,000 if you think the first offer was insulting." The Pope looks even more scandalized and rises to his feet. Clearly the interview is at an end, as he gathers up his robes, ready to depart.

Just as the Pope reaches the magnificent porticoed doorway, the Nescafe rep calls after him, "Your Holiness! Your Holiness! I apologise - that was crass! Please - just a moment! Nescafe has actually instructed me to offer the Church £500,000,000 - I mean, that's half a billion quid!"

The next morning the Pope addresses the Congress of Cardinals. He riffles some papers, and smiles at the assembled high hats. "My dear Cardinals," he says, "I have some very good news, and some not so good news. First - the very good news. Our beloved Church has received a very generous donation of half a billion pounds."

The Cardinals smile appreciatively, nodding and murmuring their delight. "And what is the not so good news, beloved Holiness?" asks one of the Cardinals.

"I'm afraid we've lost the Hovis account."
 
Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The
Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case
inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous,
successful lawsuits in the United States
†
Here are this year's winners:
Ü
5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000. by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
Ü
5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Ü
5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and
Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him
undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my
opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!
Ü
4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award
was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just
a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the
fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
Ü
3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Ü
2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window
to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while
Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to
avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental
expenses.
Ü
1st Place:
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven
onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left
the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not
surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that
she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a
new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis
of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around
[KK Note]Ü There ARE --- trust me, there ARE!
 
The last one's an oldie from the early days of cruise control. Saudis did the same thing when setting out for desert camping weekends with their families. I can't honestly see how the others won any claims, and I'd certainly have thought that any injuries committed while in the process of trying to carry out a criminal act would be null and void. I hope the beagle's owners countersued for veterinary bills. If these are really true, then America's litigation lawyers must be laughing themselves all the way to the bank, again and again.
 
A man walks into a bar and puts a bag on the counter, and orders a large Scotch. "What's in the bag?" asks the barman. The man opens the bag, and out comes a tiny man, complete with a tiny baby grand piano and a stool. He sits down and starts to play Mozart.

"Wow!" says the barman, entranced. "How the hell did you find him?" The man rummages in the bag again, and produces a small brass lamp. "Here," he says, handing it to the barman. "Rub it and ask the genie for whatever you want. Remember, just one wish." The barman rubs the lamp, the genie appears, smiling, and the barman says, "Hi, there. Could you please give me a million bucks?" The genie claps his hands and the bar door opens, and in walks a duck. And another, and another, and another...

"Hey!" yells the barman, highly alarmed as his place begins to fill with ducks. "I said a million BUCKS, not ducks!"

The man raises his eyebrows. "Yeah, and you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
 
A staistician I know takes a bomb on board every time he flies. He reckons the chances of there being two bombs on a plane are infinitesmal!

Some advice from the pub last night. Two things are absolute no no's, not even once. Incest and Morris Dancing!
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the Street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all
the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened
like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He
could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.

He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced
like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He
was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"



Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like
me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But
Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow."
 
A little girl asked her Mum,

"Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies,

"No, because she is on heat."

What does that mean?" asked the
child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,

"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but
she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent and said

"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )












The little girl said,

"She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another dog is
pushing her home." ;)
 
The Husband Store

A brand new specialist department store opened recently in Oxford Street. It sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance :-

(1) You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increases as you ascend the flights.

(2) You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with housework.

"Bloody hell" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 9,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid any possible charges under sex discrimination laws, the company that owns the Husband Store opened a New Wives Store on the other side of Oxford Street. It operates under similar rules to the Husband Store.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.
 
Got a fairly good one emailed to me yesterday :

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping .
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:


Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his
antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by
our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,



Charles Brown
Store Manager
 
Employee of the Month - Think I spoke to this guy once or twice!! on ntl???

>>Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
>>
>>The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
>>passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
>>it you cannot qualify for this job."
>>
>>Mujibar said, "I am ready."
>>
>>The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
>>words Yellow, Pink and Green."
>>
>>Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
>>"Mister manager, I am ready."
>>
>>The manager said, "Go ahead."
>>
>>Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
>>and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
>>
>>Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
>>center for computer problems.
>>
>>No doubt you have spoken to him too.
:o :P ;)
 
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,
she notices that on the wall of his bedroom is completely filled with
soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of
cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire
wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange
them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears
running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually
is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after a while, she
finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?

"She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her
in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each
other's clothes and make love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

"Well, how was it?

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says











"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
 
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