Jokes

The Anna-Nicole Smith sadness reminded me, perversely enough, of a good old joke:

A little old man is sitting on a bench in the village square sobbing his heart out. A well-meaning passer-by stops to ask what's wrong.

"I should be the happiest man on earth," sobs the old man. "Last week I married a 25 year old woman. [sob] She's drop dead gorgeous. [sob] She has a figure to die for. [sob] She's the sexiest woman I've ever cast eyes on. [sob] She's a wonderful cook. [sob] She loves housework. [sob] She says sex with me is the greatest thing imaginable. [sob sob] We do it three times a night at least. [sob] And another couple of times during the day. [sob] Ohh, I can't believe it! [wail]"

"So why are you so upset?" asks the passer-by.






































"I forget where I live! [Waaaahhhh!!!]"
 
:clap: Oh, God, they're so bad, they're brilliant! "Waiter, I wanted aromatic duck!" Cheers, Tommy - and not an eff in sight, proving it can be done!
 
A woman and her two young boys are driving along behind a rubbish truck when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. The woman is very embarrassed and, in an effort to preserve her young son's innocence, says "My, that was a big insect, wasn't it!".

To which one of the boys replies, "I'm surprised it can even fly with a cock like that!"
 
Being Valentines day what about this for a true love story!!! :luv:

A LOVE STORY :luv: :luv: :luv:



This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.


The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." :P :D
 
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
 
Ed Was In Trouble. He forgot about Valentine's Day. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on
her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the
house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday......
 
Probably been put on here a million times before!

'Dear IT Support:
>
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
> distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower
> and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
>
> In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as
> Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
> programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
>
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried
> running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
>
> Signed, Desperate ------------------
>
> Dear Desperate:
>
> First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
> 1.0 is an Operating System.
>
> Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2,
> which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as
> designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
> Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
>
> But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
> default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
>
> WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
>
> CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a
> supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
>
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
> and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
> additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would
> recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
>
> Good Luck, IT Support ------------------
>
>
> Dear IT Support,
>
> 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I
> had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
> conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
> run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
>
> To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
> applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
> Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
>
> I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
> virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
>
> Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
> time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
> caused severe damage to my hardware.
>
> I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
> soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up
> all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
> Cleanhouse2005.
>
> Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
> unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in
> Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
>
> They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
>
> Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,
> without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products
> have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
>
> Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
> ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
> reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi
> TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
>
> Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
> can't be turned off.
>
> Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
> problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
> detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
> uninstalling itself'.
>
>>
 
Subject: Business Travel

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit
lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in
the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a
lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all
the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up.
You know the kind... So he is in his room and figures, what the hell,
he gives her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now.

I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate
syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
dial 9".
 
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she'd ever seen.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (think! ing, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think .
:suspect:
 
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Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up
to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian"? Demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German
Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" then, warming to his
theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you
ask me if I was Jewish? "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me
if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well no".

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it
up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was
French"? "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well,
all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for
Irish sausages?"




The assistant replied: "Because you're in Homebase!"
 
The report on the Cumbria train crash reminded me of this oldie (which I've tried to make less politically incorrect)...

Passengers were enjoying a really pleasant, smooth train journey when suddenly there was some violent swaying, lurching and bumping for a short time before continuing smoothly on its journey.

One of the passengers asked the passing conductor, "Shame about that bumpy bit there. It was a really smooth journey until then."

The conductor replied, "Yes, I'm sorry, but we ran over an illegal immigrant."

"What was he doing on the line?" asked the passenger.

Conductor: "He wasn't, he was working in a field but we got him anyway!"
 
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