Jokes
- Thread starter Merlin the Magician
- Start date
Desert Orchid
Senior Jockey
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2005
- Messages
- 24,846
Feel free to delete it.
(It was intended as a satire of the anti-immigrant attitude in the UK.)
(It was intended as a satire of the anti-immigrant attitude in the UK.)
trudij
Senior Jockey
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :laughing: :laughing:
@ The Pro
@ The Pro
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Keep taking your medicine............. 
RIGHT HERE
RIGHT HERE
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
They walk and live amongs us... 
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They walk among us...
====================
I walked into a Wimpy's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
===================
My friends and I were having a barbie and went to buy some beer, and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They walk among us...
...and many work retail.
====================
While looking at a house, with a view to buying it, my brother asked the Real Estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, " Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time? or GMT"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, GMT."
====================
I know a woman who has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
====================
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to take out. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
They walk and live amongst us!!!!! 
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They walk among us...
====================
I walked into a Wimpy's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
===================
My friends and I were having a barbie and went to buy some beer, and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They walk among us...
...and many work retail.
====================
While looking at a house, with a view to buying it, my brother asked the Real Estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, " Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time? or GMT"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, GMT."
====================
I know a woman who has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
====================
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to take out. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
They walk and live amongst us!!!!!
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
This true story happened in Soweto about a month ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.
The night was rolling by and there was hardly a car on the road.
The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him. Suddenly a car came towards him and stopped.
Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel.
The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared, he started praying, begging for his life.
He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel.
The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran
to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shabeen and asked for a double brandy.
After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.
About a half an hour later, two men came walking into the shabeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other, "Look, Mfowetu, that's the idiot that got into the car when we were pushing it." :suspect: :laughing:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.
The night was rolling by and there was hardly a car on the road.
The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him. Suddenly a car came towards him and stopped.
Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel.
The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared, he started praying, begging for his life.
He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel.
The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran
to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shabeen and asked for a double brandy.
After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.
About a half an hour later, two men came walking into the shabeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other, "Look, Mfowetu, that's the idiot that got into the car when we were pushing it." :suspect: :laughing:
Not a joke, but a barmy incident reported in Arab News (online) tonight:
Al-Khobar, Eastern Province, Saudi Arabia
A headmistress had to break up a fight at an all girls' school when, during morning coffee break, two teachers having a chat realized that they were married to the same man - although each lived in a different house. They began to scream abuse at each other, then pull each other's hair, and eventually a full-out catfight ensued. After being pulled apart by the headmistress, with some difficulty, they ran out of the building and have not been back since. The schoolgirls were sent home for the day, due to the 'bad atmosphere' caused by their brawl.
It makes me wonder what the conversation was about which led to them discovering they were both married to the same man? :brows: And whether HE'S been seen again?
Al-Khobar, Eastern Province, Saudi Arabia
A headmistress had to break up a fight at an all girls' school when, during morning coffee break, two teachers having a chat realized that they were married to the same man - although each lived in a different house. They began to scream abuse at each other, then pull each other's hair, and eventually a full-out catfight ensued. After being pulled apart by the headmistress, with some difficulty, they ran out of the building and have not been back since. The schoolgirls were sent home for the day, due to the 'bad atmosphere' caused by their brawl.
It makes me wonder what the conversation was about which led to them discovering they were both married to the same man? :brows: And whether HE'S been seen again?
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill.
He thought he would fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he would wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed until after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack so the manager thought he would simply be honest and ask her advice.
He went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you’d better jack off – I’m late for my bus."
He thought he would fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he would wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed until after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack so the manager thought he would simply be honest and ask her advice.
He went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you’d better jack off – I’m late for my bus."
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
TWENTY WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST
1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away
Tigress
1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away
Tigress
One dark and stormy night, Thor, Norse god of thunder, grew bored with hurling thunderbolts and lightning around, and decided to drop down to Earth to see what entertainment might be on offer. Disguised in modern clothes, he dropped into a smart night club. It wasn't long before his handsome face and golden hair came in for the admiration of several young, beautiful women and he found himself the centre of attention - dancing, enjoying round after round of drinks, more dancing, some hugging, some kissing... finally, early in the morning, he escorted the most beautiful of the girls back to her flat. There he stayed, making lengthy, sensual, passionate love with her until the wee small hours of the morning, when, with one last kiss, he had to leave. More thunderbolts needed to be hurled, and he was already a little late for an early storm over Malmo.
After he dressed, he turned at the bedroom door and smiled fondly back at the gorgeous girl he'd spent the night with. Oh, what the heck, let her know - what harm could it do? "That was a really memorable night. I guess, though, now's the time to tell you in confidence - I'm Thor."
The beauty looked up dreamily from her rumpled bed. "Ohhhh, I had a wonderful night. I'm a bit thore, too, but you were fantathtic!"
After he dressed, he turned at the bedroom door and smiled fondly back at the gorgeous girl he'd spent the night with. Oh, what the heck, let her know - what harm could it do? "That was a really memorable night. I guess, though, now's the time to tell you in confidence - I'm Thor."
The beauty looked up dreamily from her rumpled bed. "Ohhhh, I had a wonderful night. I'm a bit thore, too, but you were fantathtic!"
A true Liverpudlian
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall and350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gayman walks in and sits beside him.
After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the carpark and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed thebartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies, "something about a job."
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall and350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gayman walks in and sits beside him.
After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the carpark and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed thebartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies, "something about a job."
trudij
Senior Jockey
:laughing: :laughing:
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Sorry if its been aired before...................
3 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1
A man is getting in the shower just as his wife is finishing hers, when the doorbell rings. The wife wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door there stands Bob her neighbour. Before she says a word Bob says 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel'. After thinking for a few moments the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds he hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps up again and goes back up to her husband 'Who was that' he asked. 'It was Bob our next door neighbour'. Great' replies the husband 'did he mention the £800 he owes me?'
Moral.
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A priest offers a nun a lift, She gets in his car and crosses her legs forcing her gown to reveal some leg. The priest nearly has an accident. After controlling the car he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said 'Don't forget Psalm 129 father'. The priest removes his hand, but changing gear he let his hand slip again up her leg. 'Father remember Psalm 129' she says. He apologises 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak'. After arriving at the convent the nun goes on her way and the priest goes to church. he rushes to his study to see what Psalm 129 says and it reads 'Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory@
Moral
If you are not well informed in your job you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an admin clerk and a manager are walking to the pub for lunch when the find an old oil lamp and they rub it. Out pops a genie and says 'I'll give you each one wish.' 'Me first' says the clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas on a speedboat without a care in the world' Puff1 She’s gone. 'Me next' says the sales rep 'I want to be in Hawaii with my personal masseur (from hp) and an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful girlfriend' Puff off he goes. 'Ok' the genie says to the manager 'your turn'. The manager says 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'.
Moral
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing' The eagle replies 'Yes why not' so the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral
To be sitting and doing nothing you need to be sitting very very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey 'but don't have the energy'. The bull replied ' Why don't you nibble on some of my droppings they are packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day he did the same and reached the second branch. After five nights the turkey was proudly perched on the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot him.
Moral
Bull---- might get you to the top but it wont keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter but it was so cold he froze in flight and dropped to the ground in a field. While he was lying there a cow came and dropped some dung on him. As the poor frozen bird lay there in a pile of dung he began to realise how warm it was and the dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there warm and happy and began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate, dug the bird out of the dung and ate him.
Moral
1 Not everyone who sh.ts on you is your enemy
2 Not everyone who gets you out of the sh.t is your friend
3 When you're in deep sh.t its best to keep your mouth shut.
Here ends the 3 minute Management Course.
3 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1
A man is getting in the shower just as his wife is finishing hers, when the doorbell rings. The wife wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door there stands Bob her neighbour. Before she says a word Bob says 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel'. After thinking for a few moments the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds he hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps up again and goes back up to her husband 'Who was that' he asked. 'It was Bob our next door neighbour'. Great' replies the husband 'did he mention the £800 he owes me?'
Moral.
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A priest offers a nun a lift, She gets in his car and crosses her legs forcing her gown to reveal some leg. The priest nearly has an accident. After controlling the car he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said 'Don't forget Psalm 129 father'. The priest removes his hand, but changing gear he let his hand slip again up her leg. 'Father remember Psalm 129' she says. He apologises 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak'. After arriving at the convent the nun goes on her way and the priest goes to church. he rushes to his study to see what Psalm 129 says and it reads 'Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory@
Moral
If you are not well informed in your job you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an admin clerk and a manager are walking to the pub for lunch when the find an old oil lamp and they rub it. Out pops a genie and says 'I'll give you each one wish.' 'Me first' says the clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas on a speedboat without a care in the world' Puff1 She’s gone. 'Me next' says the sales rep 'I want to be in Hawaii with my personal masseur (from hp) and an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful girlfriend' Puff off he goes. 'Ok' the genie says to the manager 'your turn'. The manager says 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'.
Moral
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing' The eagle replies 'Yes why not' so the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral
To be sitting and doing nothing you need to be sitting very very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey 'but don't have the energy'. The bull replied ' Why don't you nibble on some of my droppings they are packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day he did the same and reached the second branch. After five nights the turkey was proudly perched on the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot him.
Moral
Bull---- might get you to the top but it wont keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter but it was so cold he froze in flight and dropped to the ground in a field. While he was lying there a cow came and dropped some dung on him. As the poor frozen bird lay there in a pile of dung he began to realise how warm it was and the dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there warm and happy and began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate, dug the bird out of the dung and ate him.
Moral
1 Not everyone who sh.ts on you is your enemy
2 Not everyone who gets you out of the sh.t is your friend
3 When you're in deep sh.t its best to keep your mouth shut.
Here ends the 3 minute Management Course.
Desert Orchid
Senior Jockey
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2005
- Messages
- 24,846
They remind me of the old one about various types of management.
1. The Pyramid Method - a true hierarchy with one peson at the top cascading to more people down the different levels.
2. The Circular Method - one central figure rippling the information outwards to the remainder of the company.
3. The Mushroom Method - keep 'em in the dark and throw sh*t on 'em regularly.
1. The Pyramid Method - a true hierarchy with one peson at the top cascading to more people down the different levels.
2. The Circular Method - one central figure rippling the information outwards to the remainder of the company.
3. The Mushroom Method - keep 'em in the dark and throw sh*t on 'em regularly.
Dusted down for the season that we are now approaching ...
Bobby was in a car crash when he was 4 years old.
As a result of his injury he was blind. All of the doctor's tests and
operations could not restore Bobby's sight.
One evening when he was heading up to bed his mother said to him.
"Bobby do you know what night this is?"
"No mommy what night is it?" Said Bobby as he felt along the wall to
his bed room.
"This is wish night, and if a child wishes real hard on this night it
will come true"
"Really???!!!!" said Bobby. "Could I see again???!!!!" "Yes." Said
his mother as she tucked him into the bed. "But only if you wish very
hard. Little Bobby sat in his bed wishing.
He wished as hard as he could. He held his breath so he could put the
energy for breathing in to wishing.
His little body rocked back and forth his finger nails cut into the
palms of his hands as he gripped them into fists. Just before 4 am
the little boy fell asleep exhausted. When his mother woke him up the
next day Bobby said.
"Mommy... Mommy... I still can't see!"
"I know", said his mother, "April fool."
Bobby was in a car crash when he was 4 years old.
As a result of his injury he was blind. All of the doctor's tests and
operations could not restore Bobby's sight.
One evening when he was heading up to bed his mother said to him.
"Bobby do you know what night this is?"
"No mommy what night is it?" Said Bobby as he felt along the wall to
his bed room.
"This is wish night, and if a child wishes real hard on this night it
will come true"
"Really???!!!!" said Bobby. "Could I see again???!!!!" "Yes." Said
his mother as she tucked him into the bed. "But only if you wish very
hard. Little Bobby sat in his bed wishing.
He wished as hard as he could. He held his breath so he could put the
energy for breathing in to wishing.
His little body rocked back and forth his finger nails cut into the
palms of his hands as he gripped them into fists. Just before 4 am
the little boy fell asleep exhausted. When his mother woke him up the
next day Bobby said.
"Mommy... Mommy... I still can't see!"
"I know", said his mother, "April fool."
qzy
At the Start
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2005
- Messages
- 805
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"
"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him..."
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"
"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him..."
Two nuns were driving sedately along in their Fiat Panda when splat! A wicked little green gremlin sprang onto their windscreen, grinning evilly.
"Oh, dear Lord!" cried Sister Maria. "Quick, sister, turn on the windscreen wipers. Remember when Father Emmanuel blessed the car? I know he blessed the wipers, so wipe the little demon off!" Sister Theresa angrily turned on the wipers, but the gremlin simply grabbed them and held fast, laughing wildly.
"They're not working, dammit!" cried Sister Theresa. "Now, now, no profanities, my dear," murmured Sister Maria. "Look, when we had the car blessed, didn't I fill up the windscreen wash with holy water? Try squirting him off with the water."
Sister Theresa pressed the 'Wash' button and the gremlin was sprayed with holy water. While he fizzed and steamed for a half mile, he still clung grimly to the wipers, refusing to budge and now making vile gestures at the two Sisters.
"Any more bloody bright ideas?" fumed the short-fused Sister Theresa.
"Hush, child, hush!" replied Sister Maria. "Look... " she gestured to Sister Theresa's crucifix hanging around her neck. "This is bound to work. Just show him your cross."
"All right, then." muttered Sister Theresa, winding down her window. "For the love of God, you little prick, will you just F*CKING GET OFF THE WINDSCREEN!"
"Oh, dear Lord!" cried Sister Maria. "Quick, sister, turn on the windscreen wipers. Remember when Father Emmanuel blessed the car? I know he blessed the wipers, so wipe the little demon off!" Sister Theresa angrily turned on the wipers, but the gremlin simply grabbed them and held fast, laughing wildly.
"They're not working, dammit!" cried Sister Theresa. "Now, now, no profanities, my dear," murmured Sister Maria. "Look, when we had the car blessed, didn't I fill up the windscreen wash with holy water? Try squirting him off with the water."
Sister Theresa pressed the 'Wash' button and the gremlin was sprayed with holy water. While he fizzed and steamed for a half mile, he still clung grimly to the wipers, refusing to budge and now making vile gestures at the two Sisters.
"Any more bloody bright ideas?" fumed the short-fused Sister Theresa.
"Hush, child, hush!" replied Sister Maria. "Look... " she gestured to Sister Theresa's crucifix hanging around her neck. "This is bound to work. Just show him your cross."
"All right, then." muttered Sister Theresa, winding down her window. "For the love of God, you little prick, will you just F*CKING GET OFF THE WINDSCREEN!"
rorydelargy
At the Start
Haven't heard that in a while Kri, but always one of my favourites
trudij
Senior Jockey
A very "loved up" couple were on the last day of their honeymoon in India. They were strolling through a bazaar, trying to find a suitable souvenir to take home. After a while they came to a stall selling shoes. Their eyes were drawn to a big sign saying "Amazing Sex Sandals, any man wearing these will be turned into a superstud!!"
The husband, slightly sceptical, was persuaded by his wife to try a pair on. After a few seconds, a look of animal lust was on his face and he threw the man selling the sandals on the floor, pulled his robe up, and "rode" him 'til he could go no more. Standing up he said "oh my God, I'm so sorry, I've NEVER done anything like that before, I'm not gay. what came over me?"!
The stallholder got up, looked at the man's feet, shook his head and said "you had them on the wrong feet"!!!!!
The husband, slightly sceptical, was persuaded by his wife to try a pair on. After a few seconds, a look of animal lust was on his face and he threw the man selling the sandals on the floor, pulled his robe up, and "rode" him 'til he could go no more. Standing up he said "oh my God, I'm so sorry, I've NEVER done anything like that before, I'm not gay. what came over me?"!
The stallholder got up, looked at the man's feet, shook his head and said "you had them on the wrong feet"!!!!!