Jokes

In a hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

“Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
 
On January 9 a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he also didn't want to miss a ‘be-a-legend’ opportunity either, so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that… and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
 
My mate just asked me if he could put a tea bag in my mouth and fill it with water. He must think I'm some sort of mug :blink:
 
Just got in from work to find the wife left a note stuck to the fridge that read;

"this isn't working, I'm going to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, and the milk was cold, so fcuk knows what she was talking about :confused:

Anyway, free gaff tonight! :D
 
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!
 
Tit for Chat.....

I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night & telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands.

She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less.
Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then give it a go!

I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer & asked, “When was I born then?"

I replied "Yesterday.”
 
I rang babestation last night, the girl answered and said "hi, what can I do for you...?" I said "fuckin hide, I've lost the remote and my missus is coming down the stairs"
 
I just heard that Michael Phelps was conceived anally.

He's just that good a swimmer....
 
All in the best possible taste - not

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
News flashes:

1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8

4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
 
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
 
Subject: Oh, to be Irish..............
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair..

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

\------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on
the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat
....and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were
all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in
August, ya dip ****.
 
My Tax Return


Yesterday I had my Tax Return "Returned"

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year,


However, the ATO sent my Tax Return back!!

I guess it was because of my response to the line, which asked to said:


"List All Dependants"

So, I replied:

1/2 million illegal immigrants
1/4 million crack heads
2 million unemployable people living on welfare


1 million people in over 123 prisons
And
353 fools in Parliament .

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable..

So I sent it back with a question "Did I forget someone?"
 
A mate just rang me and said, Just letting you all know I'm in hospital. Don't panic, I came home from the pub last night had a few sausage in the fridge so cooked them and what I thought was an onion but it turned out to be a daffodil....... staff just told me, I’ll be out by spring !!!!!.

IT’S JUST THE WAY I TELL UM!!!
 
I was in a piano bar the other evening watching the guy play. An elephant came in and stood beside me to watch him play as well.

Soon the elephant started sobbing.

"What's up, mate," I asked. "Recognise the tune?"

"No," replied the elephant. "I recognise the ivory."
 
Scouser's Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Wigan, Birmingham , parts of Sheffield, the
whole of Essex and anywhere in Ireland................
 
2 TOUGH QUESTIONS






Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant,
Who had 8 kids already,
Three who were deaf,
Two who were blind,
One mentally retarded,
And she had syphilis,
Would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists, He's had two mistresses, He also chain smokes, And drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice,
Sleeps until noon,
Used opium in college,
And drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero.
He's a vegetarian,
Doesn't smoke,
Drinks an occasional beer,
And never committed adultery.


Which of these candidates would be our choice?

Decide first ... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.




Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.


Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
 
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
 
Blonde Wife sends text to husband at work

"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all"
 
Subject: Sod it, let's offend everyone!!

IF YOU SUBSCRIBE TO POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, BEST YOU DON’T READ THIS.

Sod it, let's offend everyone!!

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
Mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not
Eaten for two days.” I told him “I wish I had your will power.”

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly
Found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the
Correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry
About the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any change?” I said “No, you're
Still black”.

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches
Tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's
Wrong?” The boy says “Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you
Want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?” The boy replies “No tanks mister,
Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
Since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
Better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast
Shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with
Her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could
Look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm
Going to have that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a
Farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer
Looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there"

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question .......
Which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair ?’
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji .

A woman has a medical at the Doctors; “you are grossly overweight” he says. ”
I want a 2nd opinion”, she exclaimed ”OK- you're bloody ugly as well”
 
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little *******. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound..
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________


PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH


Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off..


 

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer
sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and
began reading.

After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused
by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes
and lack of a bath!'

The drunk muttered in response,
'Well, I'll be damned, '
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had
said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to
come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
 
I have unashamedly nicked this from Prufrock's Facebook page.

Barman: "I had to throw that new James Bond villain out of here last night"

Punter: "Javier Bardem?"

Barman: "No - I'll let him back in when he's sobered-up"
 
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A
hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

 
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